Single & Caffeinated

Relationships with cream and sugar. New episodes whenever I feel like it. Follow us at http://singleandcaffeinated.tumblr.com/.

Category: Episodes

A Tale of Dating Megan Past

When I was in high school (and prior to) I was a tiny little thing, standing at 4′ 11” and growing to 5′ 1”. I weighed at my most 65-75 lbs. I suffered from horrible body image problems. My senior year the biggest things on my body were my breasts and butt. I spent all of my life up until that point being put down by every female out of my friend group.

In my freshman year at 15, puberty had finally hit me the year prior over the summer and I had just lost my braces. Suddenly, I fell prey to handfuls of horny senior boys. I didn’t have a big head about it, no. It happened all the time in my school of less than 300 people.  Mostly I was pretty freaked out by them. I dated a senior briefly that summer. It was a huge thing for me to even kiss him and honestly it actually really grossed me out. So I would really not want to even spend a lot of time with him because I felt like he was pushing me to do a lot of stuff I didn’t really want to do. He also whined about his life, a lot. I think at one point I said, “What are you 18? Stop being a baby and get a damn job if you need one so bad.” After about a month I told him to stop calling me.

Then I had a guy whom had graduated (a friend of a friend) literally stalk my best friend (Nicole) and myself. Going so far as to leave roses on my porch multiple times and having mutual friends leave notes and love songs in my locker. I largely ignored it. But the stalking progressed. Eventually he got the hint from me but continued to stalk my friend. Another much older guy, who was a friend (John), was also massively obsessed with both Nicole and me. Even though he had a girlfriend whom he had subsequently gotten pregnant he still would make subtle hints that Nicole/myself were “the one for him.” We would consistently turn him down. But he never really stopped saying it. At one point he said to me, “Megan lets make a pact. If we’re not married by the time you’re 25, let’s marry each other.”

I said, “Ew, no! What the hell John?!”

Another time he offered to walk me home from a video game playing party our friend group had. He started to creep me out by staring at me so I said, “My house is just down this hill…so you can go back.”

He gave me a hug and then looked me in the eyes really intensely. I looked back at him with my eyebrow raised and my mouth pursed confused, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“What would you do if I kissed you right now?”

“Kill you and hide your body in the woods,” Then I pushed him away from me, “Stop being a weirdo. Go home.”

To be honest I had a very fantastical view of love. As a child I was fed a constant diet of classic rock love songs and Disney movies. I didn’t think I would meet my prince/princess charming soulmate in high school. But I figured they were probably out there floating around in the ether. Everyone paired up in high school. My friends ordered wedding magazines and were sitting around planning weddings and baby names. I just sat in class and watched them with a sense of morbid curiosity. I mean, what did I know about love? Who was I to say they weren’t going to spend the rest of their lives with these first guys they dated? So I didn’t say anything. I just agreed to be in their weddings and be the godmother to their future children. (So glad that they all forgot about the latter promise.)

I also dated. But not seriously. I mean, I felt it was serious enough but I wasn’t comfortable with kissing or anything early on so I just would purposely avoid it. I had a boyfriend off and on. His name was Ken. I, for some weird reason, was seriously obsessed with him. I didn’t want to marry him and was weirded out after we broke up (the 3rd time) and he gave me a promise ring. (Which I kept…WHY? Then gave back my junior year once I was tired of his bullshit.) But yes. Ken and I would date for a week or two days. During these periods we would talk on the phone, walk class to class, and sometimes hold hands if I felt up to physical contact. After about a couple days he would cheat on me. Then have one of my friends tell me (in graphic detail of all the girls he would sleep with) and then tell me he wanted to break up.

The first time it happened I was distraught. I had to go home because I couldn’t face running to him in the halls. A few days later after break ups he would call me and ask to be friends or his mom would call my mom and they would chat about how “in love” with me he was. We always ended up talking every night even when he was dating other people. After a couple more dates and break ups because of cheating. He started to seriously date this girl. We stopped talking. I wasn’t happy about it but I wasn’t terribly sad either.

I just kept doing my own thing. I had plenty of other stuff on my plate to worry about that wasn’t some guy dating a girl. So I would just go to class and read books and write things. Eventually my junior year, we dated again. Then after about a day, at some weird school dance, he sent a friend again – to break up with me for him. I walked over to him as he made out with this new girl he had apparently met while I was in the restroom for 2 minutes. I called him a coward and told him to not ever speak to me again. Then I walked out and walked home, alone, in the darkness at 11 o’clock at night. I felt pretty accomplished. I was a “prude” but at least I was an honest prude. (Honestly, I just wanted to not go around kissing people I could barely trust. Still today, I am like that.)

At least he listened to me. I didn’t hear from him again. Until senior year when “the friend he makes break up with me for him” told me that he had all these fantasies of proposing to me. I told her to tell him to fuck off. Which she did, bless her heart. In my senior year I dated a friend over the summer prior, which was a horrible mistake, because it was the same summer I lived full time in Meadville. Watching and taking care of your dying grandfather is not conducive to having a relationship. We broke up before summer was over. It took a while for us to be friends again and by that point I met my longest term (still my longest relationship ever) boyfriend, Adam. Who was my gateway boyfriend into basically everything that comes with a relationship. All the way up to planning a future together. We were still both stupid and immature and it seems even more stupid and immature when I look back on it at 26. We were both about to turn 21 when we broke up. At the same time he and a very close friend of mine were involved in different major and terrible car accidents within a week of the break up. I have no doubt in my mind that these major car accidents, even though I did not experience them, had a major impact on my driving phobia.  

The dating past is the dating past. I am glad I had it. I learned a lot. I learned how to be strong. I learned what behaviors I couldn’t handle. Whiners, Cowards, Cheaters, Creeps. I learned how to learn to trust. It was affirmed to me that being careful with my heart was important. That I had to really care about someone before I could even kiss them (I still do that). I learned how to balance a relationship with a life. That it was possible to have my own life and not start planning a wedding and picking godmothers. I learned that most people are total douche bags to you because they’re stupid (and I still learn that everyday) and that being in love is hard work. To let go of shallow people and shallow things. I learned to love unconditionally. To me loving someone despite flaws became something I wanted and what I felt I was capable of. That anyone who couldn’t love me the way I could love was not worth my time.

After my break up, with high-school-last-boyfriend, a friend texted me, “Megan you’re the only person I’ve ever known who loves people the way they do in movies. It is actually really beautiful.”

Thanks for that classic rock and Disney. 

Episode: I can’t believe this needs to be said, but it needs to be fucking said. The difference between social etiquette and Street Harassment

I was explaining on a comment on a blog about someone with Social Anxiety that as a sufferer myself I find it helpful to remember that people male or female are just people. That it is okay, when you pass someone while walking past them to say, “Hi” or wave or tip your hat.

Then they might say, “Hi,” or wave, or nod, or maybe even say more. But then you just keep walking afterwards.

THAT, my friends, is social etiquette. You are walking so close to someone you almost have no choice but to make some sort of eye contact with them.

You don’t want to be friendly? Okay, don’t be friendly. You don’t want people to wave at you? Or nod/smile at you because you’re passing them on a side walk then look down and don’t make eye contact and just continue to look generally pissed off. That is fine. People, who practice good social etiquette aren’t going to force a conversation out of you. Nor do they want to because you don’t give off signals of being very friendly or talkative. But some people ARE talkative and after I say, “hi,” in passing they might respond with, “Hi! How are you?” Then we’ll talk a bit until we both continue on our way. That was a conversation that I wasn’t looking for, I could have lived without but neither party opposed it or felt threatened. We both just enjoyed the small neighborhood walker chat we had. Then continued on with our damn lives.

Street Harassment is a whole different ballgame. Equating the two as the same is a super big mistake. Street Harassment is when someone FORCES an interaction on to you. Literally forces. Like to the point where it is not normal.

I get street harassed all the time and the whole vibe is totally different from someone just nodding at you, waving at you, or saying “hello.”

It is them initiating, “Hello” AND THEN CONTINUING TO TALK TO YOU AS YOU WALK AWAY FROM THE CONVERSATION YOU DO NOT WANT.

I literally have never harassed anyone. I might see someone and say “hi.” then they say, “hi” and keep walking. I don’t follow them or keep talking when they walk away. THAT IS STREET HARASSMENT.

I say this because I got a reply to my comment that said something along the lines of “making eye contact with people on the side walk, waving at people, everything you’re doing is STREET HARASSMENT AND YOU ARE HORRIBLE AND RUINING WOMEN AND MY LIFE! Rawwwjreiwj difj sdljg!”
It said, basically that.

I replied with the basic simple line, “Saying hi to someone on the sidewalk as you pass them is not street harassment they are very different.”

They replied with, “Any unwanted contact with anyone is street harassment and when you say hello to people it makes it harder for me!”

How? How does it make it harder for you to live? Clearly, this contact I am having with people is not making them uncomfortable because I continue to see these people in my neighborhood and they nod/acknowledge/wave/say words to me as I walk by as well. So clearly there is a relationship there that is obviously nonthreatened by the other party. Presumably because I did not go, “HI TALK TO ME TALK TO ME RAWR RAWR SMILE DO THISGIVEMEYOURNUMBERNICE BUTT.” Because THAT is street harassment. Forcing a conversation on to another person is street harassment. FORCING beyond the level of another’s comfort is street harassment.

It is possible that maybe everyone rather never make eye contact or pass another person on the side walk or ever look at a stranger – yeah okay. But as a species we’re generally not like that. It isn’t just women but both sexes. Ok, you don’t want someone to nod at you when you’re walking down the street – don’t make eye contact with them. Because you know who I say “hi” to: people who are making eye contact with me. Legit eye contact.

Not people who do not want to talk like the girl who replied to me.

THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN eye contact initiated nod/wave/greet as you walk by on the street and STREET HARASSMENT.

 

A VERY big difference.

 

 

Single & Caffeinated Episode 012: If my dating profile exuded less confidence and was 100% honest

Image

Sorry for the very poor editing, I got tired and felt pretty lame.

So yeah.

Single & Caffeinated Episode 010: Are you breaking or breaking up?

This is early, but okay.

So, one of my closest guy friends recently “broke up” with his girlfriend of over two years now. They met indirectly through me: I made him sign up for a website, they met on there. In context of religion and personal hobbies and passions they are probably the most perfect two people could be for each other. Unfortunately through the course of their relationship they’ve spent a lot of time apart, here’s why:

Though when they met she was living and working in Pennsylvania, she is actually from Minnesota. She has super, super, super strong roots with religion and her family and her homesickness and needing/wanting to go back has been somewhat of a tension between them. After three months of dating she moved back, they stayed together, made it work. It was really cute. After about almost a year she recently (before I left for England) moved back here, got a job, and some roommates. Unfortunately cracks begin to show in their relationship. Easy fixes really but I think that the fact he never had to deal with a relationship of this depth before made him a little clumsy with it. But regardless of the cracks they kept on. There was some talk of them moving to Florida together and then one day they just…broke up.

He was utterly devastated. I’d never, ever, ever seen my friend (of almost seven years) so distraught.

More recently they have been hanging out and posting smiley faces at each other on facebook. He came over to my house last night and told me that they were “sort-of together, but not really.” She’s going back to Minnesota again and he is taking this opportunity to branch out and make a move to California in the near future. So I asked rather bluntly, “What is the difference between her moving to Minnesota now and when she moved a year ago and you two stayed together?”

He couldn’t answer. But I believe the main difference is that now there are cracks. Cracks that maybe both of them don’t know how to fix. And maybe running away from their problems is a method they think will fix it.

I am both on their sides while being against them. Here is why, I have been her, moving to a place where I knew very few people (she knew tons more – and being able to work/have roommates let her build a very big social circle) and missing my family. But I also know him and know that he is probably one of the nicest most caring and loyal people you will ever meet. They had their biggest fight when I was in England but it basically broke him into a million pieces because he found out that she was unhappy and sort of blamed him for feeling disconnected from her religion and her family. That is a really big blame to put on someone.

But I also have been him because she has a habit of grudge holding and wording issues in a way that maybe they shouldn’t be worded. In result, the problems deepen but never really get resolved because he takes them the wrong way.

At my house we were both sitting next to each other on our laptops: he wanted to look at/talk to girls on OkCupid. So I logged into mine and tried to look for some girls. But every time he messaged a girl he would stop and start feeling guilty or sad. I asked him why he felt guilty for messaging girls he thought were cute.

Him: I don’t know why.

Me: Do you feel like she owns you or something?

Him: No…its not that.

Him: Yes it is.

Me: Well, she broke up with you. She doesn’t get to own you. Talk with who you want if it’ll make you feel better.

Him: What would make me feel better is being in a relationship with her.

Me: Well, when is that going to happen?

Him: We were talking, like we might get back together in a couple years.

Me: Well a couple years is kind of a long time. You might want to do something to make you happy until then. And if that is having pointless conversations with chicks on OkC then just do it. Because otherwise you’re just going to feel like shit.

Apparently my logic made sense so he tried to talk to people online.

Hilarity ensued when him, my other friend, and myself all went on Omegle. It was a pretty good night.

Single & Caffeinated Episode 009: Can I at least put on my hot girl disguise before you hit on me?

Okay, so this is…late. I know, I am so horribly lazy. Well, I mean I was super busy today. But still, I did, in point of fact, have enough time to write this earlier. I just A.) didn’t know what to write it about and B.) didn’t really care. So take that how you will.

So I don’t have this problem all the time. But it is certainly not something I enjoy immensely and its occurrence usually drives me to want to immediately become reclusive. You know, ball up in a cave and claw away at the air to look threatening? That is usually my mental reaction to these moments.

I am not normal. Unless I put out the “go flag” to someone by maybe implying to them that I think they’re cute/interesting/etc, to allow them to hit on me in reciprocation…I don’t like to be hit on. Yes, hitting on me is an invitation only event. I don’t know why. Probably because I am super picky and strange. Anyway, so many people find hitting on me like the sport to play when I go out to bars.

Here’s the problem:

When I go out looking nice and presentable (in my hot girl disguise) because I am with my friends who look nice and presentable NO ONE, you hear me, NOT ONE person attempts to hit on me.

It is only when I look unkempt, ugly, poorly dressed, and homeless that people are like “OH MAN, I gotta get me some of that.”

What are you kidding me?

And while sometimes I am alone looking poorly dressed  usually I am with someone who might look better (and I was just too lazy to care) or about the same as me.

Here is an alone situation:

I went to the Rec Center last year in April/May(?) and I dressed in a YSU tailgating shirt that is XXL and super ugly and like BRIGHT RED and these old and bleach spotted tan work out pants. I ran on the elliptical for like…an hour and a half or something like that. Then they were closing and I was like, “Man I am so fucking hungry.” I just got paid and hadn’t really ate anything other than spaghetti in the past week so I decided to go out and get something a little special for myself downtown. I couldn’t decide where to go but the decision was quickly made for me when I saw BWs was packed and Lemon Grove was charging cover. I went to Draught House and ordered some wings.

While I was waiting I sat in the booth part of the bar near the front listening to my ipod. There was a pretty fair cross section of people in there. Plenty of girls dressed like whores and a lot of guys chasing them around.

Then there was me. Sweaty. Tired. Shaking legs.

Yup.

All the guys who hit on me that night were actually attractive. I mean, not really to me but with regards to general ideas of attractiveness they were not bad looking. Let me tell you how many of them came up to me and hit on me.

22.

Here is how I know. The 22nd guy who came up to me said, “I’ve been watching you from the corner for a while now. I saw 21 guys come up to you and get turned down. Thought I’d give it a shot.” He introduced himself and then put out his hand for a handshake.

My response was a confused but firm, “You’ve been…watching me… from the corner?”

I think he kind of understood my immediate rejection because he pulled his hand back and walked away.

Alright, regardless of how I look, I am not going to ever be the girl who responds well to unwanted pick up attempts. But if you’re going to try and pick me up…can you at least do it when I look better and then by proxy feel better about myself? This hitting on people when they look like a mess is really confusing me. I don’t know who society wants me to be. Street rat or professional well put together lady?

While I appreciate the compliment that people think I still look attractive even when I don’t think so myself, I really don’t see how men (or those men who tried to hit on me, rather) could see a girl looking pretty tattered and think, “Yeah, that girl is out to play the flirting game tonight! I’m going to use some corny lines on her!”

This has happened multiple times since I got back, tonight counts as one of those times.
Every time I just want to stop them and be like, “Hey, dude, can you like pause real quick? I’m going to run to my apartment, dress sexy and then come back here so that I can turn you down while looking/feeling hot as fuck.  Alright?”

But then I remember that I walk everywhere and not even turning down a lame ass bar prowler is worth the movement of my feet that extra 35 minutes.

Single & Caffeinated Episode 008: When should you introduce your weird fetishes to a lover?

Another early post.

My friend, who for the sake of privacy we’ll call N, is a girl who has went through one of the most intense adventures in discovering her sexuality. I can proudly say that I got to witness a lot of it and a lot of it I did not want to see/know. Perhaps I will delve into N more fully in another post. But for now I will pose a question that she asked me with a little background. Then I will give my opinion/advice that I gave to her.

“I went out on one date with this guy from OkC. Things went really well and everything seems okay. My one concern is that he won’t be up for or into the same weird and freaky stuff I’m into. How should and when should I tell him?”

By weird and freaky stuff she means bondage. N is very much into it. She met a married man who told her he was living with his wife and kid and was going to leave his wife. He told her that his wife knew about her and that he and his wife didn’t love each other/were just friends. She got involved with him sexually and eventually he introduced her to his bondage fetish. I don’t really know how he did it. I chose not to ask how it came up when she told me about it in January. For months they would mess around and whenever she posed a direct question about him leaving his wife he would be evasive about it. Mostly, “can’t afford to get a divorce/we live with her parents/I’m too poor to be alone/we have a kid who is too young” kind of excuses.

I can see the “can’t afford to get a divorce” argument. But other than that when she would tell me of his excuses I would just kind of judge him internally and mention casually that she could do better. But this was the first guy she’s ever been seriously into and wasn’t just using for sex so I just kept my opinions about him/gut instinct to myself.

Eventually my instinct turned out to be correct as it usually is. They recently broke up after making plans to go to a concert together. He ditched her and took his wife instead. When she asked him who he took he said it was a “old friend he hadn’t seen in a while.” They aren’t friends on facebook but I suppose he forgot most of his posts were public because up popped tons of photos of him and his wife looking “more than friendly” at this concert.

So she broke up with him.

She’s been talking to people online for a while mostly looking for guys to include in a threesome with her and her married ex. But now she has been seriously using it. She met someone we used to know back before she became a wild sexual beast. He had moved away and then came back to Ohio. Now he lives like 4 hours away in Columbus. They met for a coffee date. Things went well.

She stalked his questions on OkCupid and became concerned about his opinions on the fetish lifestyle after noticing how he answered some of the questions about sex.

Now…my friend is funny. She ONLY answered the questions about sex. Which makes her compatability with this guy look really low. Like 60% or something. But for sexual compatibility that isn’t that bad. Especially because sex lives can be something that is fluid and evolve based on a comfort level and pre-existing chemistry.

Anyway, she was unsure about how/when she should tell this guy about what she’s into. She is already afraid he’ll become weirded out by it and then ditch her.

Anyway this is what I told her:

“Okay, maybe you should wait until you’re both really comfortable with each other. ‘So, do you want to tie me up and roleplay a rape fantasy?’ is not something you bring up when you’re out on your next coffee date. But at the same time you want to do it casually and probably not in mid-sex. I always think people saying, ‘So I like when people do this…” mentions during sex are really awkward and usually an instant turn off for me. Perhaps, when you are comfortable and a few dates in when things start getting more serious and you’re connected more on a emotional level, you can say something. I would just pose the issue like this, ‘So hey, name here, I have something I want to tell you about myself. I don’t want it to freak you out or anything.” Then say something like, “But I really like this kind of sexual lifestyle and I was curious what your thoughts on it were/would you be interested in experimenting in it with me?”

If they say yes/positive things then you’re good to go. But I would caution that if they’d never tried it/done it/thought about it previously that introducing more vanilla things into the situation first to ease them into the more scary things might be a good idea. The latter advice was from my other friend who is into these things to N.

If they say no/negative things, be like, “Well, okay I am sorry if that freaks you out. Can you explain to me why you don’t like it? Is there anything that you like sexually that may be a little weird?”

Her worry was that he would be totally against the idea of anything at all. Which is kind of irrational really. But still it is her fear because after getting involved in her fetish she “can never not do it in a relationship/this fetish has to be a part of her life.”

She showed me his answers in his sexual questions part on the website. After reading them I seriously doubt he won’t be open to trying anything with her. But having not had to deal with this before, (I am not wholeheartedly into anything fetishy/never been with anyone who was into a fetish lifestyle all out.), my views are not very developed. I would imagine for a guy in a similar position, (one who doesn’t really know anything about it) it might seem kind of off-putting at first but if you’re pretty open minded and interested in making the other person happy then it wouldn’t be that big of a deal to try once.

My only experiences with fetishes are these:

When I was 20 I was in a relationship (about 5-7 months long) with a guy who was really just bad for me. We were polar opposites, he was too argumentative, negative, and could be really mean/say the absolute wrong thing that would send my, at the time, healing-from-extreme-depression-mind into relapse mode almost immediately. He wasn’t purposely like that. In fact, he was a close friend of an even closer friend and all my experiences with him prior to us getting into a serious relationship had been pleasant.

But after about 4 months into our short relationship we started having sex. After one time he told me about some fetish he had, that I can’t remember specifically, but I remember it utterly repulsed me. My reaction was probably something really immature. Like, “Ew, are you fucking kidding me?” But I also remember he posed the question after sex and included, “My ex and I used to…and I really liked it when my ex did this.” Which is probably what repulsed me the most. Nothing is more unattractive than talking about the things you used to do sexually with your ex that you enjoyed after you just got done with/during sex with your partner.

That was like my one first hand experience, that I can remember, dealing with someone with a pre-existing fetish.

My first boyfriend/sex partner and I would try a bunch of weird stuff because we thought it was fun. We were together for a long time though and we were probably just getting bored with each other really. But all the stuff we tried I don’t remember really liking or feeling like I needed to do again. Could be that I just really didn’t like him. I don’t know.

Single and Caffeinated Episode 005: “Sex is not BAD”

A facebook friend wrote this on his status today.

“Being a Christian isn’t a depressing-miserable-life with no fun. It just means that I believe in Jesus, what he has done, and all the other words of Christ in red. I’m blessed to be a blessing. Once I got “saved” my ideology of “fun” has never consisted of getting drunk and stupid, doing drugs, having sex outside of marriage, lusting after women,”

Okay, so I feel like there is a lot of things wrong with this. Namely saying that Christians and those who are “saved” have a different sort of ideology of “fun.” Secondly implying that any of these things are “fun” for non-Christians or all of these things are not “fun” to other Christians.

My problem with this sentence is with in these two things: Getting drunk and Stupid & Having Sex outside of Marriage.

I feel like there is a better way to say that you don’t believe in these things any more than saying that these things are the same level of “bad shit” as “doing hardcore drugs” and “being an evil person.”

LET ME JUST STATE

Getting Drunk and Having SEX before marriage

doesn’t make you a bad person.

It makes you a person who gets drunk sometimes

and has sex before marriage with people you love and trust.

These things make you a “bad” person:

Getting drunk on a daily basis, becoming a alcoholic, never admitting you have a problem, and letting alcohol run your emotions. Like getting drunk and every night coming home to beat your family.

Having sex without properly understanding the consequences and using sex as a weapon to get things that you want.

Alcohol and sex doesn’t make you bad. Regardless of your religious affiliations or what you’ve been told. You make you a bad person. Your choices.

I get drunk with my friends and I have had my share of sexual experiences outside of a committed state/religious institution recognized union.

These things were fun for me. But they were not at all bad. They didn’t make me a bad person. Satan didn’t materialize in front of me and damn my soul to hell.
On the contrary, I enjoy a full and exciting life. I have fun doing these things, going for walks, reading books, playing video games, being silly, and baking fucking cookies. I’m a nice person who gives back to her community, opens doors for people, volunteers, donates time and money to causes I believe in. And I work really hard to help for the general good. I don’t expect a reward at the end of all of it. No supernatural karmatic paycheck, no free admittance into the holy inner sanctum of some deity, I do it because I love to do it.

So if I do “good work,” is my “fun” any worse than what you think is “fun?” Do I get lumped in the same category as a criminal because I have had sex with a handful of different men and women? Is getting drunk once every couple weeks akin to being a generally evil person?

No.

The Answer is, No.

Single & Caffeinated Episode 004: “That one time we made out.”

Posting this a bit early this week. Just because. Have fun!

So I have had a couple, “that one time”‘s, actually a few. I was talking to a friend once as we were walking through the mall and I remember seeing someone’s face and vaguely recognizing them. Then saying, “Oh shit!” and evading their glances.

My friend asked what was up. I said, “That was someone I made out with once and they never called (or I never called back.)” This happens a lot. I will discuss one of both of these guys. The one who never calls/evades and the one that you never call and evade.

There was a broodingly attractive man in one of my fiction workshops in college. He was really into a classic rock figurehead and used to wear shirts displaying his affection for this musician. I thought he was attractive but he was put in the category of “professional acquaintance” because I was about 300%  sure he’d never want to stick his tongue any where near or around my mouth. I mean besides critiquing my stories (and me critiquing his) and a random head nod in my direction as I pranced blissfully unaware around campus – we never talked.

Anyway, about a year after that class we had a sort of random liking each other’s stuff on facebook episode. And that died down. Then one night, a few years ago, when I was in a really bad mood from a guy friend being a fucking dick…he messages me on facebook. At this point I was always on the messenger. Now I am never on it at all. But yeah, he messages me:

Him: Do you want to go out to get some drinks?

Me: Sure, yeah I am in need of a beer or 12.

Him: Okay, I will buy.

So we live in the same residential hall at this point so we just meet downstairs and walk down together. We talk about writing and things on the way there. A lot of inside jokes about the class we had together. All that stuff. Play catch up and talk about grades and things.

When we get to the bar we order some drinks. I drink significantly less beers than he does but I think we both get pretty intoxicated because by midnight we’re playing kissy face for about 2 hours straight until bar close. When we walk back we play more kissy face.

LET ME TELL YOU. LET ME TELL YOU.

He was the worst kisser, I have ever kissed.
Even to this day. Worst. Ever.

I tried to like teach him how to kiss slyly but he just wasn’t having it. It was like kissing a crazed animal dog creature.

The next morning I wake up to a message that says, “Last night was so much fun! We have to hang out again soon!”

I respond with a noncommittal, “Okay. [AKA: You kiss like a dogfish]”
To be honest if it wasn’t for his blatant and slightly rude evasiveness of me after this fiasco I probably wouldn’t have bothered with him either.  But I still considered him a professional connection as we ran in the same English major/Creative Writing/Literary magazine creating group and saw each other a lot during meetings. But he would just ignore, totally ignore my existence. At first it was okay but when it was clear he would be running for president of our literary group I knew I had to bring it up. So I tried to say something to smooth stuff over. So I messaged him this:

So, I’m going to try and write this without coming off strange, foolish, or creepy. But, I feel like I don’t have any idea what is going on and that is going to make it hard to even write this. Anyways, I just thought I would let you know that since I had class with you I’ve always really admired and respected you as a writer. I don’t get to sit around and speak with a whole lot of people whom I think are as talented as you. I’d like to make it a thing – to talk to you [about writing].  you’re making it really uncomfortable and embarrassing for me by saying nothing. So I’m trying to like confront you without actually confronting you in case you have any of the same thoughts. 

Okay, So, as far as I’m concerned…
You have two options.
You could either continue not speaking with me and being slightly evasive. Therefore making SLAA unbearably awkward for me, probably for you, and for anyone else who happens to pick up on the “ignoring” tension. Miss out on anything interesting that either of us have to say etc. etc.
OR you could speak to me which would probably be your best bet. 

He responded with:

The bottom line of it all is that I owe you a huge apology. I never meant for you to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed or anything along those lines. I had fun the night we went out, but we rushed into things, which was entirely my fault. I’m being pulled in countless different directions right now – school, family, school, school, school, career, etc. – and it wouldn’t be fair to you to lead you on, or to tell you that I’d be up for anything beyond friendship.

I very much want to be friends. I feel the same about your writing as you do about mine, and I agree that we’d be missing out on lots of good discussion if I go on acting as strangely as I have been.

So, I’m sorry, and if you’re still up for being friends, that’d be great. I don’t want to make SLAA (or anything for you, for that matter) an awkward experience, so if you’d understand, I’d really appreciate it.

My message back was something along the lines of, “OMG you took the words right out of my mouth. Yes lets just be friends and pretend that night never happened! Thank you!”

Then like a week later he got into a relationship and immediately defriended me and went straight back into painfully ignoring me. It was getting HORRIBLY tense at SLAA meetings where even my professor was saying, “Why is C being a jerk to you?”

So I finally broke down and sent this, (even though I wasn’t actively being a douchebag I thought apologizing for being one might help him to not be one to me):

So, I was thinking, we should at least try to be civil with eachother since we see eachother almost all the time. I don’t know exactly when we decided to act like the other one didn’t exist. But I feel like that is not exactly an adult way to be acting and I really don’t want to pretend that I don’t see you like a rude asshole would. If you don’t want to do this it is coolbeans with me, but I figured I’d make an attempt and apologize for being a douchey mcbagface (or something like that) and actively try not to be one if you will too. Wow, this email is a bunch of horrible writing. Sorry, again. 

He responded with: 

I agree, completely. I was going to say hi last night when Barzak was standing between us but I didn’t get the chance. 

You’re not a douchey mcbagface. I will be stealing that phrase, however.

And then things go from us having conversations randomly, to him getting drunk and hitting on me randomly, to now he is friends with the ex that hates me and he mostly just actively ignores me now. And that is fine because I no longer really give a lot of fucks now that I don’t really worry about SLAA anymore.

A few weeks later I started talking to a guy off and on about writing. We met up a couple times and shared some writing. One night he had me over to his little studio apartment and he made me listen to Brand New records on his old record player with him. I didn’t really find him attractive. I think he looked like this:

Constantine's Head - Wikipedia

Which is not a good look for me to be honest. And he only talked about how his last girlfriend walked out on him when he wasn’t talking about how awesome his writing is. But  I was upset over numerous things all at once. One of which was my bad luck with guys after a few months. So I made out with him, in his apartment, until he decided to drive me home. One of the things that really put me off was that he decided to randomly start strangling me during it and even though I tried to move his hands he kept putting them back.

I texted back and forth with him for a while after despite the weirdness. Then my sister almost died and while she was in the hospital the only person who constantly checked up on both of us was my one skinny, weird, friend Matt [soon to be the ex who hates me] so I would only talk to him. Then I ended up dating him. (But that is a story for a different episode.) The previous guy became pretty weird with me via facebook. I would get weird messages from him sometimes. Or texts randomly. All of which I never responded to. Until he deleted me on facebook. When I had my OkCupid set up to see who looked at my profile I noticed someone look at mine almost everyday. I clicked on their profile. It was him. EVERYDAY. For like a month or so…he logged on and looked at my dating profile. It isn’t like I wrote anything good or anything. I didn’t even change anything.

Seriously, weirdo.

Single and Caffeinated Episode 002: Your Guy “Friend”

Women, you all have them, that guy you think is your best friend. You can tell him anything.

But he looks at you strangely sometimes and you may have even made out with him in a single drunken stupor at one point. Hell, you may have even dated for a very short amount of time. But you’ve friend zoned him and you think that he understands this.

Well, he doesn’t.

I know this by first hand experience. I have a guy friend and we dated for a pretty short amount of time. It wasn’t a few weeks or anything. A few months. I fell for him pretty hard with in that short time but he didn’t want any of that. So we broke up and remained friends. He went on to date and fall in love with other people in the four years (so far) of our friendship. And so had I. Once I had entertained the idea of dating him again years ago and he quickly shut me down. So I dropped it. But he would still try to kiss me sometimes or “look at me lovingly.” When questioned he would deny feelings and say that I was crazy.

Recently I told him about a crush I had on a guy who lives sort of far from me. But not super far. Close enough that I am planning to visit him to get to know him better. So I excitedly tell this to my closest guy friend. He flips out on me in the bar we are at. And it comes out that he is madly in love with me and always has been.

Let me tell you all. Love in real life is not a romantic comedy. You can’t just go up to someone whose heart you broke years ago and simply say, “Hey I love you, now! Pick me!”

That isn’t how that works.

Especially when the person you’ve so persistently denied no longer holds the same feelings for you as she used to. This may not be true in all cases but it is true for me. When I decide I am not in love with someone any more…that is it. It is over and there is no getting back that feeling that was lost.

My suggestion for all guy “friends”: Tell your girl “friend” how you feel before you explode on her in a crowded bar. Preferably privately and without needing to be confronted about it. The worst thing that will happen is that she will say, “Hey, I don’t want you that way.” Then you can sweep up your broken heart and go chase another girl around. Don’t expect us to just know or eventually realize the love you have for us. And even if we do, don’t expect us to fall lovingly into your arms at this epiphany. We all have our own lives to lead and our own loves to find.

Single and Caffeinated Episode 001: Introductions

Hello everyone, I am Megan, a 20-something finding her way in life. That, unfortunately, means that I am also finding my way through the dating world. I’ve been everywhere and done everything you can possibly think of when it comes to dating and relationships. I’ve been burned, been abused, been harassed, been stalked, and been rejected. Sometimes all in the same breath.

Through the life of this blog, however long that may be, there is going to be some really brazen opinions put out by yours truly. I in no way believe you should accept what I have to say wholeheartedly. That is the history major in me talking. Don’t swallow things whole! You are allowed to pick out what you want from what I have to say. Don’t think that when I say something I truly believe that you all should follow my instructions mindlessly.

One thing I’ve learned from my years of experience in dating and giving advice to people in their dating lives is that one method and style does not suit all. People are all different and so is dating.

What can you expect me to write or post?

  • Dating Nightmares
  • How to deal with: [insert awkward situation here] pieces
  • Horrible Emails I received from my very own internet dating profiles
  • Internet Dating Comparative Reviews
  • Guest Posts sent in by my readers
  • Any questions readers might send me about any topic
  • About my bad relationships and how I dealt with and got out of them