Single and Caffeinated Episode 32: Why they should stop writing books about bagging “Mr. Right” and instead start writing books about becoming more sex positive
by Megan Harris
[I sincerely apologize for any typos in this post. I am super tired and super sick.]
Walking around Bradley’s Bookstore today in the Southern Park Mall with my boyfriend we happened across the romance section. In which there were hilarious things like this:
But there were many books that had really off putting titles like this:
Soooo I picked up the book. It sounded like every Cosmo article ever written to get men to like you. Where to find “Mr. Right” (everywhere except a bar was listed, really)? Where to find Mr. Wrong? Bars, the internet, etc. Then it its infinite wisdom it went into stereotyping Mr. Wrongs. I mean, I don’t mean to be old fashioned or anything, but I firmly believe that Mr. Wrong for me might be Mr. Right for you. Just Maybe? I mean, they do have a line of douchey Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts for girls… which means that those girls probably think Ed Hardy/Affliction guys are the bees knees.
You date people you like. You date people like yourself. You break up with someone (barring unusual circumstances) because they/you a.) changed personalities drastically, b.) did something wrong/bad, c.) mutual or good terms issue – like a change of job/distance issue, or d.) you have different life goals/changed life goals.
Jennamarbles explains “Dating someone like you,” best in her video about the ‘Nice Guy’ cop out excuse.
I think what disturbs me most about the book is that the title assumes that women need to find Mr. Right to “get their life moving in the right direction.” Like his motherfucking dick is this magical compass that will be used to show you where to go and what to do in life.
I’m of the school of thought that is a mixture of lots of sex positive thinking, social justice, a dash of feminism, packed with human rights. I guess my brain just continually screams that I don’t need anyone. I want sex, don’t need it, I want friends, don’t need them, I want my boyfriend around sometimes, I don’t need him around 24/7.
Along the same “wanting not needing lines,” it is in my nature to break up with someone when they violate some kind of moral code in my book. Almost every break up I have ever had was because of a moral code breaking situation. I am not good at forgiving and forgetting, having a photographic memory will do that to you. My philosophy is that “I want you in my life but if you break my trust in any way, I will ditch you immediately.”
At the same time, I have had people ask me why I stayed with one of my exes, when we had some not good times in the bedroom. Well, silly, because I did love him. It didn’t bother me so much that he wasn’t some carnal sex machine. I don’t break up with people over stupid reasons anyway. I don’t really like that my new boyfriend lives in the suburbs, and he’ll probably want to live in the suburbs (aka prefab house hell) in the future. I don’t care. Really? I’ll just go buy my own house and live in it, far away from the weird Stepford Wives-esque copy and paste mansion-ettes.
That is the kind of independent person that I think people need to start becoming. In October I was palm read by a very good palm reader, whom I just met, who didn’t know a lick about me. He told me when reading my left hand he could see all the lines denoting that I was a strong, independent person. He moved on to my right hand and told me that, “You seriously don’t take any shit from anyone. You had someone do some really, really horrible things to you a year or so ago, and you just walked away. You don’t like to be taken advantage of, or used, or unappreciated and when anyone takes you for granted you have no qualms about leaving them in the dust. You don’t need anyone, you just like having people around. But you’re happy without them.”
I say this, knowing full well, that I have members of my own family that are so grossly dependent on their partners it is almost sickening. I want to call for some universal change. Some across the board – “I don’t need my partner, I want them. The moment they start treating me how I don’t need or want to be treated – I will leave them.” (I know that is especially hard to come to terms with sometimes – my abuse blogs will explain that.)
I think maybe we, as a community, should stop leaning on our partners like they are our survival, our only friends, etc, and start being our own survival, our own only friends, our own soulmates. It sounds trite a little, I know. But a long time ago I promised myself that I wasn’t going to keep making excuses for someone, forgiving someone, or loving someone who treated me less than themselves. You should make that promise to yourself. Furthermore, why should you have to go out and find your man to get your life rolling? Your life will be rolling faster if you are alone. Seriously, in rare cases maybe you’ll have a travel partner, but usually it is just easier to adventure and travel without a partner.
Your life is rolling already. It is your decision if you want your life to include Mr. Whatever before you start to make waves or if you want to start making those waves right now, by yourself, and you know, finding Mr. Cutemanface somewhere along this life-sea of ours. Maybe you’ll last? Maybe you won’t? But learn to just let go if he just isn’t for you. You can’t change anyone, they can only change themselves.
In the meantime, ladies, lets focus on being more sex positive in thinking. Put yourself out there and be safe about it. But also, kick total ass. Okay?
Be like Anna Silk in Lost Girl, or Kenzi… seriously.