Single & Caffeinated

Relationships with cream and sugar. New episodes whenever I feel like it. Follow us at http://singleandcaffeinated.tumblr.com/.

Month: December, 2012

Single and Caffeinated Episode 27: No excuse.

I am a member/follower of a number of women’s rights and anti-abuse groups. One thing that is turning out to be a major uproar is what Italian priest, Father Piero Corsi, said in response to the Stiletto Murders in Italy on his Christmas Bulletin.

“Is it possible that men have turned randomly crazy all of a sudden?” he wrote. “We don’t believe so. The point is that more and more women provoke, fall into arrogance, believe they are too independent and exacerbate tensions. They trigger the worst instincts, leading to violence and sexual abuse. They should consider self-examination and ask the question: did we ask for it?”

Via: Daily Beast

It is so much easier to blame the victims. In this case the women. It is really sad that this is how society, not just a different culture’s society, but even American society sees violence. Almost all violence, not just domestic violence. Everyone is always trying to find some rational to help satiate their cognitive dissonance that they get from a situation. I’ve been on this earth for twenty six years and you best believe I have seen a lot of things but nothing gets me more than violence. I don’t believe in “senseful” violence. To me, all violence is senseless and unwarranted. I have always been that way. Hell, I can’t even kill a spider.

It isn’t that men turned randomly crazy all the sudden, in Italy, they’ve been aculturized (I just made that word up, I think) to treat women less-than. So what is American society’s excuse. Why was it “okay” for my friend N to be raped not once, but twice, and the second time for the guy to call her a whore and that she asked for it? Why was it okay for my friend Nicole to be told she couldn’t wear make up, dress nice, or talk to her friends while dating her ex boyfriend. Why was it “okay” for my ex to hurt me, lie about it, and then allow for me to be harassed in regards and be called a liar for something we both know to be truth? It isn’t okay. No one asks to be hurt. No one deserves to be punched. Yup. Not even that guy at work who keeps throwing you under the bus. Not even your dick neighbor who lets their dog poop on your lawn. No one. Not one person.

Like I have probably stated, I am anti-violence, moderately anti-gun, anti-drama and anti everything that can cause people great harm. This largely comes from a place of anxiety for me. I don’t like fighting or when people hurt one another. I refuse to participate in such nonsense. Which, for example, is why I left England. After watching my mother be abused, by watching my sister be abused, by watching my best friends be abused, I refuse to stick by someone who would raise a hand to me. I stuck through a lot of “bad relationships” but none were ever violent except for the last one. I stuck in a relationship with a cheater for three years, even when I wasn’t feeling loved, he never, ever, ever, pushed me/threatened me/or hurt me. I am still, cordial or best friends actually, with 8 out of 9 of my exes (if we count people i never officially dated it is more like 11 of 13). We get along great. We hang out, get coffee, give each other hugs, sing karaoke together, and basically do best friend things together. Yeah most of them ended really badly, but only the 9th one violently, but I very much love my 8 exes very much. They were a huge part of my life and they treated me with respect even though the relationships happened on differing levels of maturity for us. But you better believe if one of them before England would have raised a hand to me, I would never, ever, ever, ever speak to them again. I am glad they did not, because they’re generally awesome people. All eight were good guys for those moments in my life. They are great guys now and make their girlfriends really happy. They give me hope that not all guys are violent, angry, jerks.

That is the problem isn’t it? Guys are expected to be violent and angry. Or otherwise they aren’t considered “men,” right? My England ex used to put down some nice guys, calling them sissies for random reasons – probably because of the way they looked/acted/dressed but let me tell you all of my “sissy” exes and my new “sissy” boyfriend and the most amazing, nice, beautiful souls I have ever met.

Single and Caffeinated Episode 25: You cannot invalidate my experience

I went through something shitty. Someone I loved hurt me not once but multiple times both mentally and physically. Just because they stopped themselves before they critically injured me does not mean it did not happen and it doesn’t mean it wasn’t wrong.

I had a not good experience. Where someone hurt me. You are not allowed to invalidate it, turn it around, or make me not a victim of something. I was hurt. I was torn apart. I traveled a great distance for someone who wasn’t who I thought they were. They messed with my mind and hurt me. I left because it was what was best for me.

I refuse to discuss the matter further. This is what happened. This is the truth. I have no reason to lie. I am standing in solidarity with others who have felt the same. CaptainAwkward’s Jennifer was one of the first people I told for advice on how to handle the situation. I realized by the wealth of responses I received from a singular, “what should I do?” email that I just had to stand up and write something.

Maybe he didn’t beat me for years on end. Maybe he didn’t punch me. Maybe he didn’t leave scars. But the things he left me with took much longer to heal. I am still healing. Someone I married, someone I loved, someone I trusted not to hurt me became a person that hurt me. It happened so suddenly I have trouble believing it myself. But trust that  it happened and trust that I will not shut up.