Single and Caffeinated Episode 20: When one door closes, messages are received…
by Megan Harris
So I very recently got my soul crushed and heart broken by someone I had intense feelings for.
And it was really stupid the way in which they told me and then treated me beforehand and after. But if I write too much about it I know that it will begin to confuse me because it makes no logical sense…I will blame myself…and then I will cry.
But regardless of my feelings and my lack of interest in anyone else it suddenly seems like the optimal times for guys to jump on the Megan messaging wagon/train/machine/mobile. Because I have so many people suddenly messaging me on all of my dating profiles that it is almost insane. And I didn’t even change anything to increase this. It is like men everywhere got the universal subconscious message that I am now lonely and sad and might be in need man hugs.
While I don’t know about all of that. For one, I still have insane feelings that I don’t know what to do with for the soul crushing guy. When I think about moving on I start to cry, when I think about not moving on I start to cry. And then I ultimately just decide that I would rather just hope, like an idiot, that he is just being an idiot – and have a broken heart than give up that hope. Because well, it doesn’t feel like I ‘lost him.’ Even though I probably have. It doesn’t feel that way. And it isn’t even that denial stage of grieving. Because I keep trying to convince myself that – this is it. But my logical brain is like…”Uh…no. This doesn’t make any sense. All evidence points to him being temporarily insane.”
I have infinite patience for people but I have little patience for myself. Which usually leads me into my panics and frustrations. So eventually…I will get so pissed off at myself that I either do one of two things. Give up on dating/loving/ etc…or kill myself. I want to go with option one. But I am flexible. I don’t like to keep doing the same things expecting different results. And his actions toward me and the way he ended it made me feel like I just wasn’t made to be loved by anyone in this lifetime. To me, clearly this is the reason why the first magical connection I ever felt with someone was completely and prematurely ripped away from me. So I don’t want to keep dating or meeting guys only to realize that I might not feel that same connection. Which will make me just get frustrated and upset. And so I’d rather just be single, alone, bitter, and broken-hearted.
But regardless of my wants currently those messages are coming.
Coffee-pick-up-line-PA-lawyer found a clever way to talk me into a dinner date without asking. Which I was actually impressed by because I was giving him very minimal attention and half-hearted replies. So I agreed to do so in reward for his efforts. Though I think that on said date I will probably sit there and look despondent, upset, and look at him as if I wished he was someone else. Which is going to ultimately suck because I don’t want to do that. I would like to give clever pick up line, clever date maker a fair shot. But I don’t know if I can. I think soul-crusher took the magic with him when he blasted away all the faith I had that I might one day actually just be happy with someone.