Single and Caffeinated Episode 18: Relationships are bad for my health, man. Just like gifs.
by Megan Harris
I don’t think I am bad at relationships or dating I do think though, that they are bad for me.
Because I have a serious problem with developing feelings too deeply and becoming super attached, sometimes. I do great in relationships where I dislike or already hate the person. But I become insanely whiny and weird in situations where I am so sure that I care about the other person more than they’ll ever care about me.
Because, let’s be serious, I am not worth caring about. That is what my jerkbrain likes to remind me of constantly.
But because I am a hopeless romantic or maybe because I am just hopeless I continue to put myself in positions where when I get hurt by someone…I get really hurt. And I always expect them to hurt me. Constantly. Like I am just waiting for a shoe to drop.
So, you can imagine, when I get in a situation that I have never been in before. Like the situation I am in now. Where I have feelings for someone/ I feel like a broken mess/ But they’re so awesome I don’t want to be broken/ They’re so awesome they’re too good for me/ My jerkbrain keeps telling me they’ll lose interest in me/ There is quite a physical distance – I panic.
I panic a lot.
And I know that it is so stupid. Because I know that I shouldn’t panic. Because most of my anxiety comes from a place entirely made up in my own head.
Then I do that thing that logical people do where I compose myself and look at the evidence of things. But then I go straight back to panicking. Then I panic myself into heart break and crying because I absolutely convince myself that the person I have feelings for is going to inevitably hate me and there is nothing I can do about it.
AND HERE IS THE MOST FUCKED UP THING ABOUT THIS:
I feel like I can’t bring this up to anyone, especially person of interest.
A.) Because I know I will sound insane.
B.) Because I know that half of it is my own mental bullshit from being put through a bunch of abusive psycho shit.(And I don’t want it to start becoming my fall-back excuse for all my problems)
C.) Because I am too proud to admit vocally that I am in a really vulnerable position.
And here is the best part.
D.) I don’t want to be in the vulnerable position where I admit that I am probably pretty deeply drowning in the feelings pool – on the off chance that all of this anxiety and worry is right and then person of interest will be like, “Yeah you’re right I actually think you’re a big lame loser because of [reasons] so go away.
But I know me anyway, and I know that every time I am starting to make progress and grow as a person there is always something really small in my own psyche that wants to tear me down. So I am sitting here believing in myself. Like yeah, I am going to get this awesome job, and I am going to get this degree, I am going to finally get to driving, I am going to be awesome, and cool and worth all of everything.
And I believe this so hard right now that my jerkbrain is like pulling at my little strings of my emotional attachments.
Some days it makes me feel like my friends hate me. Every day it makes me feel like I am going to get my heart broken. And that really sucks because part of the reason why I am trying to hard and believing in myself is because I have all these people who care about me. And it would be a major blow to all my progress to think that even one person in my TeamMe (friend, family, or otherwise) doesn’t actually give any shits about me. So jerkbrain likes to sit back and make me cry about person of interest because that is apparently the easiest thing to get me worked up about. Because so far in my life the two times I have had really crazy strong feelings for someone they have been like, “Oh yeah, by the way, go away.”
But really I think I just need to keep reminding myself that I am not going to be happy with an average life.
I am not going to be happy unless everything is awesome. And that is on me. And it is going to be hard and I am probably going to get hurt a lot by everyone. And I should just let it happen. Because one day nothing will hurt any more and everything will be awesome because I worked so hard to make it that way.