Single & Caffeinated

Relationships with cream and sugar. New episodes whenever I feel like it. Follow us at http://singleandcaffeinated.tumblr.com/.

Month: August, 2012

Single and Caffeinated Episode 19: Flowers on your Doorstep

I live on a relatively busy road in a building with all new residents (except myself).I don’t know these people, we are not best friends forever. So I walk back at 2pm from being at school since 9am…

There is a bouquet of wildflowers nestled on the side of my door. I would have kept walking because I was 1000% sure they were not for me. My mind was like, “Oh look those girls next door got flowers. That’s cute.” Then I stopped and said, “Hey I should see what apartment number they are for and bring them in before the storm blows them away or someone takes them.”

A card sticking out of them had….”Megan,” on it in relatively poor cursive handwriting.

I dropped them suddenly as if they were suddenly going to attack me.

Then I picked them back up again and held them a safe distance from my face. I flipped the card around. It said, “Smile, your beautiful.” [sic]

I felt all these feelings. Flattery. Confusion. Creeped the F out. AND FLOWERS! The only people who ever bought me flowers were men who cheated on me and my mom. I tried not to let that last thought hold much weight.

So I sat down and looked at them. Trying desperately to figure out who bought me these flowers. Well, not to brag/or sound like a whore, but I have plenty of men who vie for my attention at any given point. Regardless of how lonely or sad or lame I feel for not being in a “normal, long term, stable” relationship like some of my peers I am certainly never low on men trying to fill that position.

So I came up with around 10 or so men who have in the last 12 months expressed interest me (and 9 of which who ultimately had been turned down one way or another) at multiple points. I took out six who had no idea where I lived. One who may have been able to figure it out, but I doubt for reasons such as the distance. No this was definitely a DIY kind of flower drop.

So I was left with three.

Three men who had expressed interest in me and knew where my apartment at least was located/the name of my apartment building, which is written across the front.

So then I stared at them.

Could it have been person 1? No person 1 was in a relationship.

Could it have been person 2? No person 2 is a loser who would not have thought of flowers. But maybe beer. Well, maybe, person 2 has been trying to woo me more now that I have come back from my last trip to see the person I have supercrush feelings for – as if coming back denoted that he had a chance.

Could it have been person 3? Well person 3 and I just met last night and just really talked for like a few hours. When he tried to touch my leg as he drove me home I instinctively pulled away and mentioned that I do not want to be touched by him. I made a point a few times during the night to mention my supercrush non-intrusively only when person 3 had been staring at my chest too long for my comfort.

Then it hit me. It was person three.

Person three is a coworker and when I figured it out I was about to go into work.

So I walked in, he made eye contact with me, I subtly dunked behind a cubicle.
He came over to my cubicle as I was logging in to my station and this conversation ensued:

Three: So, did you get my flowers?
Megan: [feigning surprise – but monotone] Oh, that was you?
Three: Wow, “that was me?” You seriously have that many guys who would leave you flowers at your door. Well that makes me feel really great.
Megan: Well, yeah, at least ten.
Three: AT LEAST TEN?!? [walks away defeated]

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Single and Caffeinated Episode 18: Relationships are bad for my health, man. Just like gifs.

I don’t think I am bad at relationships or dating I do think though, that they are bad for me.

Because I have a serious problem with developing feelings too deeply and becoming super attached, sometimes. I do great in relationships where I dislike or already hate the person. But I become insanely whiny and weird in situations where I am so sure that I care about the other person more than they’ll ever care about me.

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Because, let’s be serious, I am not worth caring about. That is what my jerkbrain likes to remind me of constantly.

But because I am a hopeless romantic or maybe because I am just hopeless I continue to put myself in positions where when I get hurt by someone…I get really hurt. And I always expect them to hurt me. Constantly. Like I am just waiting for a shoe to drop.

So, you can imagine, when I get in a situation that I have never been in before. Like the situation I am in now. Where I have feelings for someone/ I feel like a broken mess/ But they’re so awesome I don’t want to be broken/ They’re so awesome they’re too good for me/ My jerkbrain keeps telling me they’ll lose interest in me/ There is quite a physical distance – I panic.

I panic a lot.

And I know that it is so stupid. Because I know that I shouldn’t panic. Because most of my anxiety comes from a place entirely made up in my own head.

Then I do that thing that logical people do where I compose myself and look at the evidence of things. But then I go straight back to panicking. Then I panic myself into heart break and crying because I absolutely convince myself that the person I have feelings for is going to inevitably hate me and there is nothing I can do about it.Image

AND HERE IS THE MOST FUCKED UP THING ABOUT THIS:
I feel like I can’t bring this up to anyone, especially person of interest.

A.) Because I know I will sound insane.
B.) Because I know that half of it is my own mental bullshit from being put through a bunch of abusive psycho shit.(And I don’t want it to start becoming my fall-back excuse for all my problems)
C.) Because I am too proud to admit vocally that I am in a really vulnerable position.
And here is the best part.
D.) I don’t want to be in the vulnerable position where I admit that I am probably pretty deeply drowning in the feelings pool – on the off chance that all of this anxiety and worry is right and then person of interest will be like, “Yeah you’re right I actually think you’re a big lame loser because of [reasons] so go away.

But I know me anyway, and I know that every time I am starting to make progress and grow as a person there is always something really small in my own psyche that wants to tear me down. So I am sitting here believing in myself. Like yeah, I am going to get this awesome job, and I am going to get this degree, I am going to finally get to driving, I am going to be awesome, and cool and worth all of everything.

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And I believe this so hard right now that my jerkbrain is like pulling at my little strings of my emotional attachments.

Some days it makes me feel like my friends hate me. Every day it makes me feel like I am going to get my heart broken. And that really sucks because part of the reason why I am trying to hard and believing in myself is because I have all these people who care about me. And it would be a major blow to all my progress to think that even one person in my TeamMe (friend, family, or otherwise) doesn’t actually give any shits about me. So jerkbrain likes to sit back and make me cry about person of interest because that is apparently the easiest thing to get me worked up about. Because so far in my life the two times I have had really crazy strong feelings for someone they have been like, “Oh yeah, by the way, go away.”

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But really I think I just need to keep reminding myself that I am not going to be happy with an average life.
I am not going to be happy unless everything is awesome. And that is on me. And it is going to be hard and I am probably going to get hurt a lot by everyone. And I should just let it happen. Because one day nothing will hurt any more and everything will be awesome because I worked so hard to make it that way.

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Quick phone capture of someone who just messaged me again

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The tally of my messages

So I got over 100 messages in one day on POF.

I tried screen capping my favorites last night but my PSP program froze after about three of them.

So I’ll re-screen cap them later.

Anyway here is the tally:

knew me already: 1
told me I look like Sara Bareilles: 4
told me I look like Lisa Loeb: 1
told me I look like someone they know: 5
told me I’m a special snowflake: 7
told me my eyes were awesome: 25
offered me casual sex: 10
offered me popcorn for casual sex: 1
used pick up lines from bars: 2
wrote me erotica: 1
sent me a copy and paste message: 2
offered to buy me coffee 13
wrote “How is a girl like you single?”: 15
just said hi/hello/hey: Everyone Else

Single and Caffeinated Episode 017: The first 24

So my challenge today (for a 24 hour period) is to see how many messages I can get in a POF account with my normal normalness. 

THEN I’m going to switch it up a bit and make a new profile next week…and be totally nothing like myself. Except for maybe some pictures. 

So I created an account for myself. The profile is 100% me. I even took the stupid assessment thing seriously even though I am confident that a handful of questions will not be able to match me with a bunch of douche bags in backwards caps. 

Here is the profile

I’ll even directly link you to my chemistry results and my assessment results. So that you can see that I took this seriously. Though I will say I don’t fully agree with the assessment. For example, the end says that I rated receiving gifts as a high want for affection. When I clearly only marked highly something like, “I think it is nice when a partner makes a gift for me.” 

Alright anyway, I just started this up and I already have 8 messages. That’s exciting. I will update everyone about this over the weekend. I will also screenshot my favorite/most hilarious. 

Here are things I already dislike about the site: 

  • Everyone looks like a generally bad person. (Shiesty as hell)
  • All my matches look like the same popped collar white dude in a different backwards cap. 
  • Nobody over the age of 22 seems to use this site. 
  • The match system is probably the worst I ever seen. It took me three years to answer enough questions about myself on OKC to get good to excellent matches. It took me a handful of questions and 15 minutes to get douchebags in ball caps. 
  • I want to know why POF thinks that the people in my matches would be good for me. Mostly it is all tractors and “I want me a country girl.” I feel like I am looking at the human versions of Mater from the movie Cars
  • It makes me angry that there is no “Bisexual” option either.

Anyway, clearly I don’t take POF seriously and if you chose to also do this challenge I highly suggest you don’t either. 

Just do it like you would do my Casual Encounters Drinking Game (Part I and II) as in do it while laughing, drunk, rolling around on the floor with your best friend. 

Which I still need to type up and post for ya’ll. 

Maybe I post those Monday.