Single & Caffeinated

Relationships with cream and sugar. New episodes whenever I feel like it. Follow us at http://singleandcaffeinated.tumblr.com/.

Month: June, 2012

Single and Caffeinated Episode 015: When your family hates your significant other.

So I was texting with one hand and writing the title with another. I looked up. Instead of “family” it said “fanukt.” It sounds like a German or Slavic word.

Anyway, yes it is Tuesday and I know I didn’t post on Monday. I have been a very busy student.

So tonight I have something very near and dear to my heart to talk to you all about. I say near and dear because it is something that in the past I have experienced, it is something my friends have experienced, and it is something where I play part of  “family” as a current role.

This is never a really good spot to be in. Depending on your feelings in the situation and depending on the circumstances it can be very confusing. That being said, I realize that no reasons for this are all the same. There is no “cover-all” bandaid for this situation.

So here are some real life situations and how I advise you or “family” handles it.

Significant other is a jerk to your family, you love them both, family hates Significant Other’s guts. 

Let me just begin this with: While you may have “fallen in love” with said person prior to them meeting or interacting with your family please keep an open mind if they meet your family after this.

Any person who is rude or puts down your family prior to meeting them (perhaps only hearing stories from you) is probably a jerkbag you shouldn’t date.
Any person who is out rightly rude to your family without them being rude first is probably a jerkbag you shouldn’t date.
Any person who is still an out right asshole even if your family is kind of being rude is probably an asshole, because he isn’t respecting your position and how that would make you feel.

I realize that some times this situations can work themselves out. An outright apology can probably fix it.

Here is a real life story & why it didn’t work out

Boyfriend only hears stories of Girlfriend’s family. Judges them based on neutral stories or stories about both good and bad things. Begins meeting them situation with some pre-meeting bad mouthing. Girlfriend corrects him with, “I know that they are strange/we have had some rocky times but they are my family and I love and respect them. I would appreciate it if you would tolerate them and keep your assumptions to yourself.”

Boyfriend continues to be a rude dickface. When meeting them he is still rude. He yells at your Mom and your Sister when they try to help him/calm a situation where boyfriend is unprovokingly losing his fucking mind, because Boyfriend is unstable. Mom and Sister say, “What a dick, Girlfriend you should send him home and stay with us.” Girlfriend feels guilty and would feel bad for leaving Boyfriend stranded but has half a mind to. So Girlfriend arranges another place for Boyfriend to stay with her until they can leave said situation. While there Boyfriend calms down. Girlfriend brings up that she is deeply offended and really shocked at the way he treated and verbally abused her family. Boyfriend puts down family and puts down Girlfriend by saying that Girlfriend was treating her family no better. Girlfriend said, “Families speak in different languages. When I say what might seem to you as offensive my family does not take it that way. I can call my sister or mother all kinds of foul names. Because I don’t mean them. They know that. It is okay. But you are not of my family and cannot disrespect them because you mean it.”

Girlfriend asks Boyfriend to apologize to her mother. Boyfriend puts up a fight about it which becomes a confusing fight. Boyfriend tries to make Girlfriend feel guilty for having a family that speaks to each other horribly for fun. Boyfriend tells Girlfriend that she doesn’t need the approval of her family and should cut them out of her life. Girlfriend says Boyfriend is ridiculous and should just apologize. This argument goes on for the duration of their dating. Boyfriend never apologizes and makes Girlfriend feel like shit about asking whenever possible.

One of the many, many, many reasons Boyfriend become Ex-Boyfriend. Only far too late than he should have.

[If you can’t tell by the last sentence…if this happens or is happening to you…break up with Significant Other. NOW.]

Something is “wrong” with Significant Other and Family does not approve

By wrong I mean something that your family does not like. Age, religion, creed, background, occupation, anything really. Families can be judgmental and prejudice assholes too.

Here is a real life story and how I advise you handle it.

Boyfriend is 8-10 years older than 20 year old Girlfriend. Parents or parent personally know Boyfriend from before Girlfriend began dating him. They find him unsavory or do not trust him. Girlfriend uses Boyfriend immaturely to show parents how “mature she is, because age doesn’t matter.” Family is really disturbed by situation. Girlfriend sees a future with Boyfriend, Boyfriend is commitment-phobe who has other intentions. Girlfriend is still really young and has a lot to learn about men. Family grins-and-bears but does not ban Boyfriend from participating in family activities that Girlfriend invites him to.

Advice: If this were a case of family just judging solely based on age/religion/creed/background/occupation I would say you should confront parents and say, “Parents, I am [insert age] I realize that you feel like I am still very young and you must protect me. But Significant Other’s age/religion/creed/background/occupation etc is irrelevant to my relationship with them. I know that you probably won’t accept this, at least for a long time, but I wish you would respect my decision to date Significant Other. I would like you to meet them and get to know them with a blank slate. We can do that when you are more comfortable. But until then I will keep seeing Significant Other but just not bring him around you until then.

In some cases parents might be rightly bothered lets say Significant Other was a drug dealer or a pimp. Then perhaps you should take your parent’s advice.

But because the real life story involves Girlfriend being immature here is my advice: Girlfriend needs to sit down and think about if this is really what she wants. To stress out her parents and know that she is doing so. She also needs to blatantly hear from her family, “Hey, we do not like this guy. Please do not bring him around or invite him anywhere around us. If you want to hang out with him after this activity, okay but we do not want him there. We are sorry but he bothers us.

Girlfriend also needs to talk to Boyfriend about what he is there for. If he is only there to date a 20 year old or if he is really there to date and build a relationship with her. If he is totally opposed to the idea of some sort of long term future, perhaps Girlfriend should cut her losses and ditch him. If he says he would like something more with Girlfriend (he may be lying) then he should take Parents aside/write them a personal letter/call them personally and say, “Hey I know that you guys think I am a dickbag but I do really like your daughter. I am sorry that you don’t want me around and I will respect your boundaries. But I am willing to prove to you that I am serious about being with your daughter. I hope that one day you will have me around so I can enjoy family activities with you as well.

You and Significant Other have very toxic relationship and family would really appreciate it if you would just break up already

Real life story:

Boyfriend and Girlfriend have been dating for 6-8 years now. They break up and get back together on a very consistent and predictable basis. It has gotten to the point that no one, not even the relationshipees can tell who is the victim and who is the abuser or user now. When together they are happy for a few days or weeks but then it very quickly disintegrates into a fuck-storm of anger and depression. They break up. They date other people and use other people to make other upset or depressed. They also get other people involved in bad mouthing the other on social media.

They eventually break up with other people, hurting other people’s feelings, and get back together.

Girlfriend has mentioned that Boyfriend tries to hurt her, Girlfriend has tried to kill herself, Girlfriend has hurt family members who tell her that Boyfriend is not good enough for her. Girlfriend is addicted.

Boyfriend has mentioned that Girlfriend also beats him up. Uses suicide as a manipulation tactic to keep him from breaking up with her. Guilts him into staying.

Family and friends have watched this happen numerous times.
They actually really couldn’t care less anymore.
They just want Girlfriend to wise up and be like, “Dude, you know what…I can do better than this.”
Or Boyfriend can figure that out too.
Then cut on or the other out of their lives. And never talk again.

[Those last three sentences are exactly what I recommend if this is your situation.]

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Single and Caffeinated Episode 014: In which randomness is disguised as an actual episode.

Here is some random things that have happened to me in the past week related to people trying to hit on me…and failing quite horribly.

I am far too lazy to do anything else with regards to writing at the moment and I fell into a sneaky depression spiral earlier on this weekend. So I mean, yeah.

OkCupid message from a random Youngstown drunk-fratboy:

hahaha I actually read your entire profile, I lol’d. You remind me alot of a close friend.

I can only imagine that he read the entire profile on his iPhone whilst he was holding a bud light and hanging all over all the undeaged girls he is with in all his pictures.

A random wrong number-text message

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And then I got a message from someone who started their profile out like this:

First i would like to start off with some romantic poems i have made. If they creep you out GO SOMEWHERE ELSE! FIND A MAN WHO WILL TREAT YOU TERRIBLY AND THEN CRY ABOUT IT! DAMN most of you women are uneducated goons that do not give the right guys even a chance and it makes no sense once so ever.

And then they continued to start every line of their poems with a “.” and end it with a “.”

They also had this hair:

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Without the crown and the cute little girlness. Since they were Twenty-fucking-five years old and scene hair is for 12 year old girls who listen to My Chemical Romance. 

I did message them back and say:

Just so you know, Sylvia Plath married a very good poet, Ted Hughes, and he was an abusive fuck who eventually pushed her into killing herself. But yeah, I am sure it is just that women are uneducated goons and has nothing to do with the fact that your poetry is straight from your 9th grade composition notebook. 

Single and Caffeinated Episode 013: My sexuality isn’t for you, or why I don’t want to date guys who think my sexuality is “cute”

Okay, it is Sunday and not Monday, but who cares?

So I went out to a couple bars last night with some friends. We ended up at University Pizzaria.

Okay so I don’t know how the conversation came about but talk about my sexuality came up. Which, for those of you unaware, is that I consider myself bisexual. Now I constantly get called out on this on OkCupid which annoys me greatly. But what annoys me more are people who bring it up in person while at the same time they are trying to get in my pants.

I don’t normally like to bring it up at bars because there is always one person in the bar who gets angry about it.  This time it was the bartender who kept trying to pick me up any way.

He is this short, hipster glasses wearing, bald geek of a dude. My friends and I were really entertained by his Star Wars shirt and we all ended up talking about Star Wars prior to the whole sexuality conversation. He said, “Hey, here is a question. Would you go on a date with a guy like me?”

I said, “Hypothetically?”

He said, “Yeah. Would a girl like you go on a date with a guy like me?”

I said, “Well, you seem really nice and you’re wearing a Star Wars shirt. So perhaps.”

Then at some point my sexuality came up and the bartender came over from the other side of the bar to give his unwanted opinion over it.

He started kind of berating it. He was saying, “When I was 23 I used to think it was cute and hot when a girl was bisexual and now that I am older I jut want a girl who just wants a guys”

I said, “Well, my sexuality isn’t my sexuality because guys might think it is cute or hot. My sexuality is mine because I am sexually attracted to people of both sexes.”

He started talking about how a bisexual girl will leave you for a girl if you’re a guy and how that is unfair and this and that.

I said, “A straight girl can leave a guy for a guy. And a straight guy can leave a girl for another girl. Same thing for people of the same sex. Just because someone is bisexual doesn’t make them a flighty or flaky relationship person.”

At some point he got the idea that I was bisexual because I had “bad experiences” with men. He said, “Don’t let a few guys ruin all guys for you.”

I said, “Dude, I have been bisexual before I got into any relationships.”

Then he repeated the whole not thinking bisexuality was cute situation and how any guy who was really serious about having a relationship with me would agree with him. I said, “Well, I mean, I am not really interested in having a relationship with any guy who is judging me based on my personal sexual preferences that I don’t control. So it doesn’t really matter at that point.”

Later on, he came over to try and ask me out on a “real” date. In which I turned him down. But he said, “So would you go out with me? Or am I not your type?”

My friend butted it, “Seriously, I feel like Megan doesn’t really care about what type of guy you are. If she doesn’t go out with you it will be because you said, ‘I think that you are saying you’re bisexual because you think it is cute but it isn’t.'”

I pointed at my friend and said, “This.”

 

Eventually after a conversation about a guy I am really into (which I haven’t been able to talk to said friend about yet and she was very surprised I was actually as into said person as I described because I usually ‘just kind of like’ people), in which the bartender heard, he left me alone. So that was good.

I have very little patience for people who like to insult my sexuality or think that I am “confused” or a “cheater” or “flaky” or “noncommittal” because I claim to like both guys and girls sexually.

Here are some bullet points that you should know about my personal sexuality:

  • I am not attracted to just any girl or any guy. I am attracted to a person for their unique and interesting personality.
  • I don’t have a “type,” I either think you’re attractive or I don’t.
  • I am very, very, very picky. It is very rare for me to really be wholeheartedly into someone.
  • For a very long time (much of my life) I only found myself attracted to people who made it known they were into me. This wasn’t how my attraction happened in my current situation – so this is probably/hopefully not a thing I do anymore. But this made it difficult in the past to meet girls because I would only make moves on someone who made moves on me. And for some reason, no girls really make moves on me. Except maybe once or twice in my life.
  • I have no interest in a guy or girl who likes me because they think my sexuality is cute or fun. Just like I have no interest in dating someone who thinks my sexuality is bullshit.

I’m sorry “fake bisexuals” and girls who like to act like lesbians so you will buy them drinks have ruined other bisexuals for you. But it isn’t my problem. I am only interested in being with someone who appreciates me and respects my ability to have my own mind, have my own opinions, and do my own thing. I have been with so many people in the past who like to demean me for my sexuality, my life choices, and whatever they thought made me inferior to them. The last thing I want to do is find myself in a relationship with someone who will do all of that again.

 

 

Preaching the End of the World

A la “God Shaped Hole.”
The personal ad Jacob Grace put in the newspaper.

 

Single & Caffeinated Episode 012: If my dating profile exuded less confidence and was 100% honest

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Sorry for the very poor editing, I got tired and felt pretty lame.

So yeah.

Not Ok: 50% is not a good match percentage

Because I love this blog so much I set up OkCupid on my smartphone so I could receive my messages instantly to my phone.

I get messages all the time, constantly, and update about people who live nearby and “want to meet me, now!”

And it is really a bunch of crap. It is like the guys/girls who live nearby me and “want to meet me, now!” are really the bottom of the pile kind of people. They think they’re juggalos, they talk about pot, they don’t talk about anything, their match scores are low or 0% and their enemy percentages are super high.

Now this is a pretty good sample of people who live close by me. But my okcupid also sends me messages to my phone sent by people who live farther away.

This morning I was awakened by a very forward and really gross message from some guy in Arizona.
The first thing I did was look at his match percentage and it was seriously 45%.
Now I’ve received way lower match messages. Which kind of blows my mind. I usually don’t even entertain a friendship with people who are under 60%. Because, lets be serious…I can read your profile and usually under 50%-ers have HORRIBLE profiles. And if I don’t like how you write, I probably won’t like you.

So this dude, seriously? Do you not have any better options? You have to (seriously) proposition someone for casual sex who lives in Ohio? And this is your first message? I realize that I am so totally awesome, but still…Arizona?

So here is why I am confused: I do not have casual sex listed as something I am “looking for,” (nor would I ever), your match percentage is so low it is almost disgusting, you don’t have a good profile – nothing is written at all – except that you are looking for “casual sex,” and…what is going on?

Alright I am trying to word this without seeming like a cynical asshole. It could be that this guy is just totally trying to become pals with me. That I will laugh at his message and we will become best online friends forever, or something. But I am pretty much 100% sure he is just looking for a chick to talk to online who will send him naked pictures of herself. Because that is the kind of person who is the total opposite of me and who would have a 45% match with me.

This reminds me of two years ago when I was in Erie, PA for a few days while my grandmother was being hospitalized. There was a guy who saw me in a bar getting lunch with my family. He saw me on OkC afterwards and decided to message me about it. His percentage was the lowest I’d ever seen 10%. And he was a total loser.

But he seriously stalked my profile and messaged me constantly. It was like he didn’t understand my lack of interest in my not responding. After about 30 messages, he started sending sad emoticons. Then he started waxing poetic about how “I shouldn’t just ignore his messages because we live so far away from each other.” His profile listed him as living in Buffalo, NY even though he saw me in Eire. Dude, we live like 5 hours away from each other, that is really the last reason for me to not talk to someone, I am not someone who would consider distance a deal breaker at all. It is your loserness that is deal breaking.

I actually almost felt guilty for a while. But then I stopped feeling guilty and started feeling awesome instead.