Single & Caffeinated

Relationships with cream and sugar. New episodes whenever I feel like it. Follow us at http://singleandcaffeinated.tumblr.com/.

Month: May, 2012

Not Ok: Don’t take profile building advice from me.

Just got this message on OkC.

kinda [sic] sure admitting to the taking over the world thing might hurt your chances….unless your [sic] just that confident then Kudos..

Bahahahhaha.

I’m kind of sure that admitting that I like death and cats as my first line hurts my chances far more than admitting I want to take over the world. But alright.

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Single & Caffeinated Episode 010: Are you breaking or breaking up?

This is early, but okay.

So, one of my closest guy friends recently “broke up” with his girlfriend of over two years now. They met indirectly through me: I made him sign up for a website, they met on there. In context of religion and personal hobbies and passions they are probably the most perfect two people could be for each other. Unfortunately through the course of their relationship they’ve spent a lot of time apart, here’s why:

Though when they met she was living and working in Pennsylvania, she is actually from Minnesota. She has super, super, super strong roots with religion and her family and her homesickness and needing/wanting to go back has been somewhat of a tension between them. After three months of dating she moved back, they stayed together, made it work. It was really cute. After about almost a year she recently (before I left for England) moved back here, got a job, and some roommates. Unfortunately cracks begin to show in their relationship. Easy fixes really but I think that the fact he never had to deal with a relationship of this depth before made him a little clumsy with it. But regardless of the cracks they kept on. There was some talk of them moving to Florida together and then one day they just…broke up.

He was utterly devastated. I’d never, ever, ever seen my friend (of almost seven years) so distraught.

More recently they have been hanging out and posting smiley faces at each other on facebook. He came over to my house last night and told me that they were “sort-of together, but not really.” She’s going back to Minnesota again and he is taking this opportunity to branch out and make a move to California in the near future. So I asked rather bluntly, “What is the difference between her moving to Minnesota now and when she moved a year ago and you two stayed together?”

He couldn’t answer. But I believe the main difference is that now there are cracks. Cracks that maybe both of them don’t know how to fix. And maybe running away from their problems is a method they think will fix it.

I am both on their sides while being against them. Here is why, I have been her, moving to a place where I knew very few people (she knew tons more – and being able to work/have roommates let her build a very big social circle) and missing my family. But I also know him and know that he is probably one of the nicest most caring and loyal people you will ever meet. They had their biggest fight when I was in England but it basically broke him into a million pieces because he found out that she was unhappy and sort of blamed him for feeling disconnected from her religion and her family. That is a really big blame to put on someone.

But I also have been him because she has a habit of grudge holding and wording issues in a way that maybe they shouldn’t be worded. In result, the problems deepen but never really get resolved because he takes them the wrong way.

At my house we were both sitting next to each other on our laptops: he wanted to look at/talk to girls on OkCupid. So I logged into mine and tried to look for some girls. But every time he messaged a girl he would stop and start feeling guilty or sad. I asked him why he felt guilty for messaging girls he thought were cute.

Him: I don’t know why.

Me: Do you feel like she owns you or something?

Him: No…its not that.

Him: Yes it is.

Me: Well, she broke up with you. She doesn’t get to own you. Talk with who you want if it’ll make you feel better.

Him: What would make me feel better is being in a relationship with her.

Me: Well, when is that going to happen?

Him: We were talking, like we might get back together in a couple years.

Me: Well a couple years is kind of a long time. You might want to do something to make you happy until then. And if that is having pointless conversations with chicks on OkC then just do it. Because otherwise you’re just going to feel like shit.

Apparently my logic made sense so he tried to talk to people online.

Hilarity ensued when him, my other friend, and myself all went on Omegle. It was a pretty good night.

Single & Caffeinated Episode 009: Can I at least put on my hot girl disguise before you hit on me?

Okay, so this is…late. I know, I am so horribly lazy. Well, I mean I was super busy today. But still, I did, in point of fact, have enough time to write this earlier. I just A.) didn’t know what to write it about and B.) didn’t really care. So take that how you will.

So I don’t have this problem all the time. But it is certainly not something I enjoy immensely and its occurrence usually drives me to want to immediately become reclusive. You know, ball up in a cave and claw away at the air to look threatening? That is usually my mental reaction to these moments.

I am not normal. Unless I put out the “go flag” to someone by maybe implying to them that I think they’re cute/interesting/etc, to allow them to hit on me in reciprocation…I don’t like to be hit on. Yes, hitting on me is an invitation only event. I don’t know why. Probably because I am super picky and strange. Anyway, so many people find hitting on me like the sport to play when I go out to bars.

Here’s the problem:

When I go out looking nice and presentable (in my hot girl disguise) because I am with my friends who look nice and presentable NO ONE, you hear me, NOT ONE person attempts to hit on me.

It is only when I look unkempt, ugly, poorly dressed, and homeless that people are like “OH MAN, I gotta get me some of that.”

What are you kidding me?

And while sometimes I am alone looking poorly dressed  usually I am with someone who might look better (and I was just too lazy to care) or about the same as me.

Here is an alone situation:

I went to the Rec Center last year in April/May(?) and I dressed in a YSU tailgating shirt that is XXL and super ugly and like BRIGHT RED and these old and bleach spotted tan work out pants. I ran on the elliptical for like…an hour and a half or something like that. Then they were closing and I was like, “Man I am so fucking hungry.” I just got paid and hadn’t really ate anything other than spaghetti in the past week so I decided to go out and get something a little special for myself downtown. I couldn’t decide where to go but the decision was quickly made for me when I saw BWs was packed and Lemon Grove was charging cover. I went to Draught House and ordered some wings.

While I was waiting I sat in the booth part of the bar near the front listening to my ipod. There was a pretty fair cross section of people in there. Plenty of girls dressed like whores and a lot of guys chasing them around.

Then there was me. Sweaty. Tired. Shaking legs.

Yup.

All the guys who hit on me that night were actually attractive. I mean, not really to me but with regards to general ideas of attractiveness they were not bad looking. Let me tell you how many of them came up to me and hit on me.

22.

Here is how I know. The 22nd guy who came up to me said, “I’ve been watching you from the corner for a while now. I saw 21 guys come up to you and get turned down. Thought I’d give it a shot.” He introduced himself and then put out his hand for a handshake.

My response was a confused but firm, “You’ve been…watching me… from the corner?”

I think he kind of understood my immediate rejection because he pulled his hand back and walked away.

Alright, regardless of how I look, I am not going to ever be the girl who responds well to unwanted pick up attempts. But if you’re going to try and pick me up…can you at least do it when I look better and then by proxy feel better about myself? This hitting on people when they look like a mess is really confusing me. I don’t know who society wants me to be. Street rat or professional well put together lady?

While I appreciate the compliment that people think I still look attractive even when I don’t think so myself, I really don’t see how men (or those men who tried to hit on me, rather) could see a girl looking pretty tattered and think, “Yeah, that girl is out to play the flirting game tonight! I’m going to use some corny lines on her!”

This has happened multiple times since I got back, tonight counts as one of those times.
Every time I just want to stop them and be like, “Hey, dude, can you like pause real quick? I’m going to run to my apartment, dress sexy and then come back here so that I can turn you down while looking/feeling hot as fuck.  Alright?”

But then I remember that I walk everywhere and not even turning down a lame ass bar prowler is worth the movement of my feet that extra 35 minutes.

Single & Caffeinated Episode 008: When should you introduce your weird fetishes to a lover?

Another early post.

My friend, who for the sake of privacy we’ll call N, is a girl who has went through one of the most intense adventures in discovering her sexuality. I can proudly say that I got to witness a lot of it and a lot of it I did not want to see/know. Perhaps I will delve into N more fully in another post. But for now I will pose a question that she asked me with a little background. Then I will give my opinion/advice that I gave to her.

“I went out on one date with this guy from OkC. Things went really well and everything seems okay. My one concern is that he won’t be up for or into the same weird and freaky stuff I’m into. How should and when should I tell him?”

By weird and freaky stuff she means bondage. N is very much into it. She met a married man who told her he was living with his wife and kid and was going to leave his wife. He told her that his wife knew about her and that he and his wife didn’t love each other/were just friends. She got involved with him sexually and eventually he introduced her to his bondage fetish. I don’t really know how he did it. I chose not to ask how it came up when she told me about it in January. For months they would mess around and whenever she posed a direct question about him leaving his wife he would be evasive about it. Mostly, “can’t afford to get a divorce/we live with her parents/I’m too poor to be alone/we have a kid who is too young” kind of excuses.

I can see the “can’t afford to get a divorce” argument. But other than that when she would tell me of his excuses I would just kind of judge him internally and mention casually that she could do better. But this was the first guy she’s ever been seriously into and wasn’t just using for sex so I just kept my opinions about him/gut instinct to myself.

Eventually my instinct turned out to be correct as it usually is. They recently broke up after making plans to go to a concert together. He ditched her and took his wife instead. When she asked him who he took he said it was a “old friend he hadn’t seen in a while.” They aren’t friends on facebook but I suppose he forgot most of his posts were public because up popped tons of photos of him and his wife looking “more than friendly” at this concert.

So she broke up with him.

She’s been talking to people online for a while mostly looking for guys to include in a threesome with her and her married ex. But now she has been seriously using it. She met someone we used to know back before she became a wild sexual beast. He had moved away and then came back to Ohio. Now he lives like 4 hours away in Columbus. They met for a coffee date. Things went well.

She stalked his questions on OkCupid and became concerned about his opinions on the fetish lifestyle after noticing how he answered some of the questions about sex.

Now…my friend is funny. She ONLY answered the questions about sex. Which makes her compatability with this guy look really low. Like 60% or something. But for sexual compatibility that isn’t that bad. Especially because sex lives can be something that is fluid and evolve based on a comfort level and pre-existing chemistry.

Anyway, she was unsure about how/when she should tell this guy about what she’s into. She is already afraid he’ll become weirded out by it and then ditch her.

Anyway this is what I told her:

“Okay, maybe you should wait until you’re both really comfortable with each other. ‘So, do you want to tie me up and roleplay a rape fantasy?’ is not something you bring up when you’re out on your next coffee date. But at the same time you want to do it casually and probably not in mid-sex. I always think people saying, ‘So I like when people do this…” mentions during sex are really awkward and usually an instant turn off for me. Perhaps, when you are comfortable and a few dates in when things start getting more serious and you’re connected more on a emotional level, you can say something. I would just pose the issue like this, ‘So hey, name here, I have something I want to tell you about myself. I don’t want it to freak you out or anything.” Then say something like, “But I really like this kind of sexual lifestyle and I was curious what your thoughts on it were/would you be interested in experimenting in it with me?”

If they say yes/positive things then you’re good to go. But I would caution that if they’d never tried it/done it/thought about it previously that introducing more vanilla things into the situation first to ease them into the more scary things might be a good idea. The latter advice was from my other friend who is into these things to N.

If they say no/negative things, be like, “Well, okay I am sorry if that freaks you out. Can you explain to me why you don’t like it? Is there anything that you like sexually that may be a little weird?”

Her worry was that he would be totally against the idea of anything at all. Which is kind of irrational really. But still it is her fear because after getting involved in her fetish she “can never not do it in a relationship/this fetish has to be a part of her life.”

She showed me his answers in his sexual questions part on the website. After reading them I seriously doubt he won’t be open to trying anything with her. But having not had to deal with this before, (I am not wholeheartedly into anything fetishy/never been with anyone who was into a fetish lifestyle all out.), my views are not very developed. I would imagine for a guy in a similar position, (one who doesn’t really know anything about it) it might seem kind of off-putting at first but if you’re pretty open minded and interested in making the other person happy then it wouldn’t be that big of a deal to try once.

My only experiences with fetishes are these:

When I was 20 I was in a relationship (about 5-7 months long) with a guy who was really just bad for me. We were polar opposites, he was too argumentative, negative, and could be really mean/say the absolute wrong thing that would send my, at the time, healing-from-extreme-depression-mind into relapse mode almost immediately. He wasn’t purposely like that. In fact, he was a close friend of an even closer friend and all my experiences with him prior to us getting into a serious relationship had been pleasant.

But after about 4 months into our short relationship we started having sex. After one time he told me about some fetish he had, that I can’t remember specifically, but I remember it utterly repulsed me. My reaction was probably something really immature. Like, “Ew, are you fucking kidding me?” But I also remember he posed the question after sex and included, “My ex and I used to…and I really liked it when my ex did this.” Which is probably what repulsed me the most. Nothing is more unattractive than talking about the things you used to do sexually with your ex that you enjoyed after you just got done with/during sex with your partner.

That was like my one first hand experience, that I can remember, dealing with someone with a pre-existing fetish.

My first boyfriend/sex partner and I would try a bunch of weird stuff because we thought it was fun. We were together for a long time though and we were probably just getting bored with each other really. But all the stuff we tried I don’t remember really liking or feeling like I needed to do again. Could be that I just really didn’t like him. I don’t know.