Single & Caffeinated Episode 004: “That one time we made out.”

by Megan Harris

Posting this a bit early this week. Just because. Have fun!

So I have had a couple, “that one time”‘s, actually a few. I was talking to a friend once as we were walking through the mall and I remember seeing someone’s face and vaguely recognizing them. Then saying, “Oh shit!” and evading their glances.

My friend asked what was up. I said, “That was someone I made out with once and they never called (or I never called back.)” This happens a lot. I will discuss one of both of these guys. The one who never calls/evades and the one that you never call and evade.

There was a broodingly attractive man in one of my fiction workshops in college. He was really into a classic rock figurehead and used to wear shirts displaying his affection for this musician. I thought he was attractive but he was put in the category of “professional acquaintance” because I was about 300%  sure he’d never want to stick his tongue any where near or around my mouth. I mean besides critiquing my stories (and me critiquing his) and a random head nod in my direction as I pranced blissfully unaware around campus – we never talked.

Anyway, about a year after that class we had a sort of random liking each other’s stuff on facebook episode. And that died down. Then one night, a few years ago, when I was in a really bad mood from a guy friend being a fucking dick…he messages me on facebook. At this point I was always on the messenger. Now I am never on it at all. But yeah, he messages me:

Him: Do you want to go out to get some drinks?

Me: Sure, yeah I am in need of a beer or 12.

Him: Okay, I will buy.

So we live in the same residential hall at this point so we just meet downstairs and walk down together. We talk about writing and things on the way there. A lot of inside jokes about the class we had together. All that stuff. Play catch up and talk about grades and things.

When we get to the bar we order some drinks. I drink significantly less beers than he does but I think we both get pretty intoxicated because by midnight we’re playing kissy face for about 2 hours straight until bar close. When we walk back we play more kissy face.


He was the worst kisser, I have ever kissed.
Even to this day. Worst. Ever.

I tried to like teach him how to kiss slyly but he just wasn’t having it. It was like kissing a crazed animal dog creature.

The next morning I wake up to a message that says, “Last night was so much fun! We have to hang out again soon!”

I respond with a noncommittal, “Okay. [AKA: You kiss like a dogfish]”
To be honest if it wasn’t for his blatant and slightly rude evasiveness of me after this fiasco I probably wouldn’t have bothered with him either.  But I still considered him a professional connection as we ran in the same English major/Creative Writing/Literary magazine creating group and saw each other a lot during meetings. But he would just ignore, totally ignore my existence. At first it was okay but when it was clear he would be running for president of our literary group I knew I had to bring it up. So I tried to say something to smooth stuff over. So I messaged him this:

So, I’m going to try and write this without coming off strange, foolish, or creepy. But, I feel like I don’t have any idea what is going on and that is going to make it hard to even write this. Anyways, I just thought I would let you know that since I had class with you I’ve always really admired and respected you as a writer. I don’t get to sit around and speak with a whole lot of people whom I think are as talented as you. I’d like to make it a thing – to talk to you [about writing].  you’re making it really uncomfortable and embarrassing for me by saying nothing. So I’m trying to like confront you without actually confronting you in case you have any of the same thoughts. 

Okay, So, as far as I’m concerned…
You have two options.
You could either continue not speaking with me and being slightly evasive. Therefore making SLAA unbearably awkward for me, probably for you, and for anyone else who happens to pick up on the “ignoring” tension. Miss out on anything interesting that either of us have to say etc. etc.
OR you could speak to me which would probably be your best bet. 

He responded with:

The bottom line of it all is that I owe you a huge apology. I never meant for you to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed or anything along those lines. I had fun the night we went out, but we rushed into things, which was entirely my fault. I’m being pulled in countless different directions right now – school, family, school, school, school, career, etc. – and it wouldn’t be fair to you to lead you on, or to tell you that I’d be up for anything beyond friendship.

I very much want to be friends. I feel the same about your writing as you do about mine, and I agree that we’d be missing out on lots of good discussion if I go on acting as strangely as I have been.

So, I’m sorry, and if you’re still up for being friends, that’d be great. I don’t want to make SLAA (or anything for you, for that matter) an awkward experience, so if you’d understand, I’d really appreciate it.

My message back was something along the lines of, “OMG you took the words right out of my mouth. Yes lets just be friends and pretend that night never happened! Thank you!”

Then like a week later he got into a relationship and immediately defriended me and went straight back into painfully ignoring me. It was getting HORRIBLY tense at SLAA meetings where even my professor was saying, “Why is C being a jerk to you?”

So I finally broke down and sent this, (even though I wasn’t actively being a douchebag I thought apologizing for being one might help him to not be one to me):

So, I was thinking, we should at least try to be civil with eachother since we see eachother almost all the time. I don’t know exactly when we decided to act like the other one didn’t exist. But I feel like that is not exactly an adult way to be acting and I really don’t want to pretend that I don’t see you like a rude asshole would. If you don’t want to do this it is coolbeans with me, but I figured I’d make an attempt and apologize for being a douchey mcbagface (or something like that) and actively try not to be one if you will too. Wow, this email is a bunch of horrible writing. Sorry, again. 

He responded with: 

I agree, completely. I was going to say hi last night when Barzak was standing between us but I didn’t get the chance. 

You’re not a douchey mcbagface. I will be stealing that phrase, however.

And then things go from us having conversations randomly, to him getting drunk and hitting on me randomly, to now he is friends with the ex that hates me and he mostly just actively ignores me now. And that is fine because I no longer really give a lot of fucks now that I don’t really worry about SLAA anymore.

A few weeks later I started talking to a guy off and on about writing. We met up a couple times and shared some writing. One night he had me over to his little studio apartment and he made me listen to Brand New records on his old record player with him. I didn’t really find him attractive. I think he looked like this:

Constantine's Head - Wikipedia

Which is not a good look for me to be honest. And he only talked about how his last girlfriend walked out on him when he wasn’t talking about how awesome his writing is. But  I was upset over numerous things all at once. One of which was my bad luck with guys after a few months. So I made out with him, in his apartment, until he decided to drive me home. One of the things that really put me off was that he decided to randomly start strangling me during it and even though I tried to move his hands he kept putting them back.

I texted back and forth with him for a while after despite the weirdness. Then my sister almost died and while she was in the hospital the only person who constantly checked up on both of us was my one skinny, weird, friend Matt [soon to be the ex who hates me] so I would only talk to him. Then I ended up dating him. (But that is a story for a different episode.) The previous guy became pretty weird with me via facebook. I would get weird messages from him sometimes. Or texts randomly. All of which I never responded to. Until he deleted me on facebook. When I had my OkCupid set up to see who looked at my profile I noticed someone look at mine almost everyday. I clicked on their profile. It was him. EVERYDAY. For like a month or so…he logged on and looked at my dating profile. It isn’t like I wrote anything good or anything. I didn’t even change anything.

Seriously, weirdo.