Single & Caffeinated

Relationships with cream and sugar. New episodes whenever I feel like it. Follow us at http://singleandcaffeinated.tumblr.com/.

Month: April, 2012

Single and Caffeinated Episode 005: “Sex is not BAD”

A facebook friend wrote this on his status today.

“Being a Christian isn’t a depressing-miserable-life with no fun. It just means that I believe in Jesus, what he has done, and all the other words of Christ in red. I’m blessed to be a blessing. Once I got “saved” my ideology of “fun” has never consisted of getting drunk and stupid, doing drugs, having sex outside of marriage, lusting after women,”

Okay, so I feel like there is a lot of things wrong with this. Namely saying that Christians and those who are “saved” have a different sort of ideology of “fun.” Secondly implying that any of these things are “fun” for non-Christians or all of these things are not “fun” to other Christians.

My problem with this sentence is with in these two things: Getting drunk and Stupid & Having Sex outside of Marriage.

I feel like there is a better way to say that you don’t believe in these things any more than saying that these things are the same level of “bad shit” as “doing hardcore drugs” and “being an evil person.”

LET ME JUST STATE

Getting Drunk and Having SEX before marriage

doesn’t make you a bad person.

It makes you a person who gets drunk sometimes

and has sex before marriage with people you love and trust.

These things make you a “bad” person:

Getting drunk on a daily basis, becoming a alcoholic, never admitting you have a problem, and letting alcohol run your emotions. Like getting drunk and every night coming home to beat your family.

Having sex without properly understanding the consequences and using sex as a weapon to get things that you want.

Alcohol and sex doesn’t make you bad. Regardless of your religious affiliations or what you’ve been told. You make you a bad person. Your choices.

I get drunk with my friends and I have had my share of sexual experiences outside of a committed state/religious institution recognized union.

These things were fun for me. But they were not at all bad. They didn’t make me a bad person. Satan didn’t materialize in front of me and damn my soul to hell.
On the contrary, I enjoy a full and exciting life. I have fun doing these things, going for walks, reading books, playing video games, being silly, and baking fucking cookies. I’m a nice person who gives back to her community, opens doors for people, volunteers, donates time and money to causes I believe in. And I work really hard to help for the general good. I don’t expect a reward at the end of all of it. No supernatural karmatic paycheck, no free admittance into the holy inner sanctum of some deity, I do it because I love to do it.

So if I do “good work,” is my “fun” any worse than what you think is “fun?” Do I get lumped in the same category as a criminal because I have had sex with a handful of different men and women? Is getting drunk once every couple weeks akin to being a generally evil person?

No.

The Answer is, No.

Advertisements

Not Ok: Messages that concern me April & March

Here is a sample of some strange messages I receive. There are many more where these came from. I’m just extra lazy.

Image

Hahahah… not even the potential of the world exploding if we hung out would make me want to hang out with you. Just because, A.) We’re not similar…have you looked at our match points? B.) How do you know, based on my profile how I will react to you? I certainly don’t take the site seriously enough for you to make calls on anything about me. C.) “Too.”

I do, in point of fact, have an awesome sense of humor. But I have little patience for people who (as I’ve looked at his profile) just kind of seem like pretty big shallow jerks. Don’t message me if “you’re fat,” is not really the thing that I would like to see when I click on your name. Really.

Image

Yeah, sure you can be permanently in my life as the creepy guy I will avoid at all cost. Welcome to my life.

Image

Are you kidding me? Also am I supposed to be so flattered that I message you back?

Single & Caffeinated Episode 004: “That one time we made out.”

Posting this a bit early this week. Just because. Have fun!

So I have had a couple, “that one time”‘s, actually a few. I was talking to a friend once as we were walking through the mall and I remember seeing someone’s face and vaguely recognizing them. Then saying, “Oh shit!” and evading their glances.

My friend asked what was up. I said, “That was someone I made out with once and they never called (or I never called back.)” This happens a lot. I will discuss one of both of these guys. The one who never calls/evades and the one that you never call and evade.

There was a broodingly attractive man in one of my fiction workshops in college. He was really into a classic rock figurehead and used to wear shirts displaying his affection for this musician. I thought he was attractive but he was put in the category of “professional acquaintance” because I was about 300%  sure he’d never want to stick his tongue any where near or around my mouth. I mean besides critiquing my stories (and me critiquing his) and a random head nod in my direction as I pranced blissfully unaware around campus – we never talked.

Anyway, about a year after that class we had a sort of random liking each other’s stuff on facebook episode. And that died down. Then one night, a few years ago, when I was in a really bad mood from a guy friend being a fucking dick…he messages me on facebook. At this point I was always on the messenger. Now I am never on it at all. But yeah, he messages me:

Him: Do you want to go out to get some drinks?

Me: Sure, yeah I am in need of a beer or 12.

Him: Okay, I will buy.

So we live in the same residential hall at this point so we just meet downstairs and walk down together. We talk about writing and things on the way there. A lot of inside jokes about the class we had together. All that stuff. Play catch up and talk about grades and things.

When we get to the bar we order some drinks. I drink significantly less beers than he does but I think we both get pretty intoxicated because by midnight we’re playing kissy face for about 2 hours straight until bar close. When we walk back we play more kissy face.

LET ME TELL YOU. LET ME TELL YOU.

He was the worst kisser, I have ever kissed.
Even to this day. Worst. Ever.

I tried to like teach him how to kiss slyly but he just wasn’t having it. It was like kissing a crazed animal dog creature.

The next morning I wake up to a message that says, “Last night was so much fun! We have to hang out again soon!”

I respond with a noncommittal, “Okay. [AKA: You kiss like a dogfish]”
To be honest if it wasn’t for his blatant and slightly rude evasiveness of me after this fiasco I probably wouldn’t have bothered with him either.  But I still considered him a professional connection as we ran in the same English major/Creative Writing/Literary magazine creating group and saw each other a lot during meetings. But he would just ignore, totally ignore my existence. At first it was okay but when it was clear he would be running for president of our literary group I knew I had to bring it up. So I tried to say something to smooth stuff over. So I messaged him this:

So, I’m going to try and write this without coming off strange, foolish, or creepy. But, I feel like I don’t have any idea what is going on and that is going to make it hard to even write this. Anyways, I just thought I would let you know that since I had class with you I’ve always really admired and respected you as a writer. I don’t get to sit around and speak with a whole lot of people whom I think are as talented as you. I’d like to make it a thing – to talk to you [about writing].  you’re making it really uncomfortable and embarrassing for me by saying nothing. So I’m trying to like confront you without actually confronting you in case you have any of the same thoughts. 

Okay, So, as far as I’m concerned…
You have two options.
You could either continue not speaking with me and being slightly evasive. Therefore making SLAA unbearably awkward for me, probably for you, and for anyone else who happens to pick up on the “ignoring” tension. Miss out on anything interesting that either of us have to say etc. etc.
OR you could speak to me which would probably be your best bet. 

He responded with:

The bottom line of it all is that I owe you a huge apology. I never meant for you to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed or anything along those lines. I had fun the night we went out, but we rushed into things, which was entirely my fault. I’m being pulled in countless different directions right now – school, family, school, school, school, career, etc. – and it wouldn’t be fair to you to lead you on, or to tell you that I’d be up for anything beyond friendship.

I very much want to be friends. I feel the same about your writing as you do about mine, and I agree that we’d be missing out on lots of good discussion if I go on acting as strangely as I have been.

So, I’m sorry, and if you’re still up for being friends, that’d be great. I don’t want to make SLAA (or anything for you, for that matter) an awkward experience, so if you’d understand, I’d really appreciate it.

My message back was something along the lines of, “OMG you took the words right out of my mouth. Yes lets just be friends and pretend that night never happened! Thank you!”

Then like a week later he got into a relationship and immediately defriended me and went straight back into painfully ignoring me. It was getting HORRIBLY tense at SLAA meetings where even my professor was saying, “Why is C being a jerk to you?”

So I finally broke down and sent this, (even though I wasn’t actively being a douchebag I thought apologizing for being one might help him to not be one to me):

So, I was thinking, we should at least try to be civil with eachother since we see eachother almost all the time. I don’t know exactly when we decided to act like the other one didn’t exist. But I feel like that is not exactly an adult way to be acting and I really don’t want to pretend that I don’t see you like a rude asshole would. If you don’t want to do this it is coolbeans with me, but I figured I’d make an attempt and apologize for being a douchey mcbagface (or something like that) and actively try not to be one if you will too. Wow, this email is a bunch of horrible writing. Sorry, again. 

He responded with: 

I agree, completely. I was going to say hi last night when Barzak was standing between us but I didn’t get the chance. 

You’re not a douchey mcbagface. I will be stealing that phrase, however.

And then things go from us having conversations randomly, to him getting drunk and hitting on me randomly, to now he is friends with the ex that hates me and he mostly just actively ignores me now. And that is fine because I no longer really give a lot of fucks now that I don’t really worry about SLAA anymore.

A few weeks later I started talking to a guy off and on about writing. We met up a couple times and shared some writing. One night he had me over to his little studio apartment and he made me listen to Brand New records on his old record player with him. I didn’t really find him attractive. I think he looked like this:

Constantine's Head - Wikipedia

Which is not a good look for me to be honest. And he only talked about how his last girlfriend walked out on him when he wasn’t talking about how awesome his writing is. But  I was upset over numerous things all at once. One of which was my bad luck with guys after a few months. So I made out with him, in his apartment, until he decided to drive me home. One of the things that really put me off was that he decided to randomly start strangling me during it and even though I tried to move his hands he kept putting them back.

I texted back and forth with him for a while after despite the weirdness. Then my sister almost died and while she was in the hospital the only person who constantly checked up on both of us was my one skinny, weird, friend Matt [soon to be the ex who hates me] so I would only talk to him. Then I ended up dating him. (But that is a story for a different episode.) The previous guy became pretty weird with me via facebook. I would get weird messages from him sometimes. Or texts randomly. All of which I never responded to. Until he deleted me on facebook. When I had my OkCupid set up to see who looked at my profile I noticed someone look at mine almost everyday. I clicked on their profile. It was him. EVERYDAY. For like a month or so…he logged on and looked at my dating profile. It isn’t like I wrote anything good or anything. I didn’t even change anything.

Seriously, weirdo.

Not OK: Should you judge a user by their name?

The Answer is Yes.

“MultiplOrgasms” deleted their profile shortly after sending this message. I think they got that nobody wanted to talk to someone with that name.

Advice for your username:

Go with something creative or at the very least something relevant to your real name/alias.

Like JSmith123 or JaneD321.

That moniker is easy, simple, bland, but also safe. No one is going to be like, “EW!” when they see that.

Don’t use 4U or 69 (unless it is your birth year, or you were born June 9th. And even then…steer clear)

JSmith4U is going to get less responses from me than JSmith1981.

Same thing with “creative names.” Purplepenguin4U won’t even get his message read but PurplePenguin will get read and looked at and perhaps a response.

Also if your names are vaguely sexual they’re only going to attract a certain kind of “audience” please fashion your messages and screen who you are messaging accordingly.
If my profile says I am looking for “just friends” don’t think that someone named BigDick694U who is looking for “casual sex” is going to have ANY LUCK when messaging me.

Single and Caffeinated Episode 002: Your Guy “Friend”

Women, you all have them, that guy you think is your best friend. You can tell him anything.

But he looks at you strangely sometimes and you may have even made out with him in a single drunken stupor at one point. Hell, you may have even dated for a very short amount of time. But you’ve friend zoned him and you think that he understands this.

Well, he doesn’t.

I know this by first hand experience. I have a guy friend and we dated for a pretty short amount of time. It wasn’t a few weeks or anything. A few months. I fell for him pretty hard with in that short time but he didn’t want any of that. So we broke up and remained friends. He went on to date and fall in love with other people in the four years (so far) of our friendship. And so had I. Once I had entertained the idea of dating him again years ago and he quickly shut me down. So I dropped it. But he would still try to kiss me sometimes or “look at me lovingly.” When questioned he would deny feelings and say that I was crazy.

Recently I told him about a crush I had on a guy who lives sort of far from me. But not super far. Close enough that I am planning to visit him to get to know him better. So I excitedly tell this to my closest guy friend. He flips out on me in the bar we are at. And it comes out that he is madly in love with me and always has been.

Let me tell you all. Love in real life is not a romantic comedy. You can’t just go up to someone whose heart you broke years ago and simply say, “Hey I love you, now! Pick me!”

That isn’t how that works.

Especially when the person you’ve so persistently denied no longer holds the same feelings for you as she used to. This may not be true in all cases but it is true for me. When I decide I am not in love with someone any more…that is it. It is over and there is no getting back that feeling that was lost.

My suggestion for all guy “friends”: Tell your girl “friend” how you feel before you explode on her in a crowded bar. Preferably privately and without needing to be confronted about it. The worst thing that will happen is that she will say, “Hey, I don’t want you that way.” Then you can sweep up your broken heart and go chase another girl around. Don’t expect us to just know or eventually realize the love you have for us. And even if we do, don’t expect us to fall lovingly into your arms at this epiphany. We all have our own lives to lead and our own loves to find.

Single and Caffeinated Episode 001: Introductions

Hello everyone, I am Megan, a 20-something finding her way in life. That, unfortunately, means that I am also finding my way through the dating world. I’ve been everywhere and done everything you can possibly think of when it comes to dating and relationships. I’ve been burned, been abused, been harassed, been stalked, and been rejected. Sometimes all in the same breath.

Through the life of this blog, however long that may be, there is going to be some really brazen opinions put out by yours truly. I in no way believe you should accept what I have to say wholeheartedly. That is the history major in me talking. Don’t swallow things whole! You are allowed to pick out what you want from what I have to say. Don’t think that when I say something I truly believe that you all should follow my instructions mindlessly.

One thing I’ve learned from my years of experience in dating and giving advice to people in their dating lives is that one method and style does not suit all. People are all different and so is dating.

What can you expect me to write or post?

  • Dating Nightmares
  • How to deal with: [insert awkward situation here] pieces
  • Horrible Emails I received from my very own internet dating profiles
  • Internet Dating Comparative Reviews
  • Guest Posts sent in by my readers
  • Any questions readers might send me about any topic
  • About my bad relationships and how I dealt with and got out of them