Episode: I can’t believe this needs to be said, but it needs to be fucking said. The difference between social etiquette and Street Harassment

I was explaining on a comment on a blog about someone with Social Anxiety that as a sufferer myself I find it helpful to remember that people male or female are just people. That it is okay, when you pass someone while walking past them to say, “Hi” or wave or tip your hat.

Then they might say, “Hi,” or wave, or nod, or maybe even say more. But then you just keep walking afterwards.

THAT, my friends, is social etiquette. You are walking so close to someone you almost have no choice but to make some sort of eye contact with them.

You don’t want to be friendly? Okay, don’t be friendly. You don’t want people to wave at you? Or nod/smile at you because you’re passing them on a side walk then look down and don’t make eye contact and just continue to look generally pissed off. That is fine. People, who practice good social etiquette aren’t going to force a conversation out of you. Nor do they want to because you don’t give off signals of being very friendly or talkative. But some people ARE talkative and after I say, “hi,” in passing they might respond with, “Hi! How are you?” Then we’ll talk a bit until we both continue on our way. That was a conversation that I wasn’t looking for, I could have lived without but neither party opposed it or felt threatened. We both just enjoyed the small neighborhood walker chat we had. Then continued on with our damn lives.

Street Harassment is a whole different ballgame. Equating the two as the same is a super big mistake. Street Harassment is when someone FORCES an interaction on to you. Literally forces. Like to the point where it is not normal.

I get street harassed all the time and the whole vibe is totally different from someone just nodding at you, waving at you, or saying “hello.”

It is them initiating, “Hello” AND THEN CONTINUING TO TALK TO YOU AS YOU WALK AWAY FROM THE CONVERSATION YOU DO NOT WANT.

I literally have never harassed anyone. I might see someone and say “hi.” then they say, “hi” and keep walking. I don’t follow them or keep talking when they walk away. THAT IS STREET HARASSMENT.

I say this because I got a reply to my comment that said something along the lines of “making eye contact with people on the side walk, waving at people, everything you’re doing is STREET HARASSMENT AND YOU ARE HORRIBLE AND RUINING WOMEN AND MY LIFE! Rawwwjreiwj difj sdljg!”
It said, basically that.

I replied with the basic simple line, “Saying hi to someone on the sidewalk as you pass them is not street harassment they are very different.”

They replied with, “Any unwanted contact with anyone is street harassment and when you say hello to people it makes it harder for me!”

How? How does it make it harder for you to live? Clearly, this contact I am having with people is not making them uncomfortable because I continue to see these people in my neighborhood and they nod/acknowledge/wave/say words to me as I walk by as well. So clearly there is a relationship there that is obviously nonthreatened by the other party. Presumably because I did not go, “HI TALK TO ME TALK TO ME RAWR RAWR SMILE DO THISGIVEMEYOURNUMBERNICE BUTT.” Because THAT is street harassment. Forcing a conversation on to another person is street harassment. FORCING beyond the level of another’s comfort is street harassment.

It is possible that maybe everyone rather never make eye contact or pass another person on the side walk or ever look at a stranger – yeah okay. But as a species we’re generally not like that. It isn’t just women but both sexes. Ok, you don’t want someone to nod at you when you’re walking down the street – don’t make eye contact with them. Because you know who I say “hi” to: people who are making eye contact with me. Legit eye contact.

Not people who do not want to talk like the girl who replied to me.

THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN eye contact initiated nod/wave/greet as you walk by on the street and STREET HARASSMENT.

 

A VERY big difference.

 

 

Call For Submissions

Dear Sex/Sex Positive Writer/Artist-Friends & Blog Readers:

 

My friend, Richard Travis, posted this status today advertising a friend’s new magazine called AutomaNaut:

“Friends and even closer Friends, I am wanting you to reach out and have you lend me your eyes. I have a dear, dear friend who has started a magazine. She would love your ideas and art. I am talking to all of you poets, drawers, short writers, painters, photographers (to get your ideas and abilities flowing), and artists of all kinds. The magazine itself would focus on sex, sexuality, gender, and health, the content doesn’t have to be explicit in nature (though since there WILL be explicit material within, all submitters must be over 18 years old). This is not pornography and I reiterate, this IS NOT PORNOGRAPHY. Submissions can be anything from art to poetry/prose to photos. She has finally situated herself and has the submission forms up. You can find them here: Here’s the submission form:

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0BwdXuUexS03UU085QjRHMnpSTDA/edit?usp=sharing

“Aaaand here’s the you’re-not-12-so-nobody-can-sue-me form”:
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0BwdXuUexS03UXzVsNDFWT3hYN1E/edit?usp=sharing

You can contact Alyssa Duffy by this link:https://www.facebook.com/alyssa.duffy.313?fref=ts“

 

Please open the forms, print, and fill them out, add your writing in manuscript format and send it to Alyssa (address provided in the form).  Please direct any further questions to Alyssa Duffy.

 

Not Ok: What does bisexual mean to you?!

Before you read the posted image of a segment of conversation the sender is a young male in the Youngstown area. Before this message the conversation looks like this:

Him: Hey, so you like karaoke. We could totally sing songs together.

Him: I sent that a long time ago and you haven’t got back to me yet just wondering if you saw it.

Me: Yes, sorry, you sent it a few days ago and I have been a little busy and not sitting down responding to people. What is your favorite karaoke song?

Him: Dookie by Greenday. HA.

Then…

I made this face O_O

I don’t know which assumption bothers me more:

1.) That this man thinks that him telling me his favorite karaoke song counts as “getting to know each other small talk.”

2.) That being bisexual means I must be seeing a girl.

3.) That with said girl relationship I MUST be looking for a threesome.

4.) That I care when his penis is available to attend his made up threesome.

On my profile I have no allusions to any relationship I am in. I also have no talk of potential threesomes or anysomes. I also have “new friends/penpals” and nothing else listed in my “looking for” section.

After this he said, “Well we can be friends.” Then immediately after he said, “FWB?”

[insert grumpy cat saying, NO!]

Here is what bothers me about his assumption here if it is serious and he is not trolling.

5.) Bisexuals must want sex on the side in a relationship.

Nononononononono! False. Wrong. Fail.

I am monogamous. Yes, I am a scorpio and if you’re into astrology that leads me toward I guess, a kind of succubus tendency. But I DON’T LIKE infidelity. At all. I am so loyal and honest it is almost to a fault.

Once I am committed or seriously have my eye on someone I will focus all of my attention and sexual needs toward that person until the relationship is officially terminated.

Bisexual does not mean I want two sexual partners of the two genders  (and maybe, all genders in between) - it just means I appreciate the ladies and the menfolk in a sexually pleasing way and would like to further explore relationships with either one – WHEN SINGLE. But yes, even in a relationship I would be considered bisexual.

There is such a moronic idea floating around all the scumbag guys (and some ladies) of OKC and probably other dating sites that “bisexual” means “group sex facilitator.” Fuck no. That is so false I can’t even. In fact, I know tons of bisexual ladies and bisexual men. They don’t want group sex at all. They just want someone who loves them so that they can have the sexy times and the fun relationship with one or the other.

AJ Walkley from Huffington Post Gay Voices said this,

 The most accurate definition of “bisexual” and “bisexuality” is “attraction to individuals who are the same as me and different from me,” which is the way most bisexual people think of themselves. Think about “homo” meaning “same” and “hetero” meaning “different.” In fact, in the Bisexual Manifesto, written in 1990 by members of the bisexual community, the following was stipulated: “Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or duogamous in nature: that we have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings.

Yeah, I am sure there are polyamorous bisexuals out there, like there probably are in every sexuality label group. But not every person wants that kind of experience so before you ask such a stupid question like the person in the OkC conversation why don’t you wait until the other person, uh..I don’t know? Asks?

You see, if my intentions were to find a guy to have sex with in a group sex situation with my partner – I would clearly get that out of the way. I’d probably write it in my profile. Not spend time fashioning a friendly profile to attract friends. OR I would bring it up much later after I have made friends with you and telling me your favorite song to sing…isn’t….really…friends…

Really.

V-Day gift for you all: 

 

a music blog curated by me: The Halcyon Gypsy

Single and Caffeinated Episode 32: Why they should stop writing books about bagging “Mr. Right” and instead start writing books about becoming more sex positive

[I sincerely apologize for any typos in this post. I am super tired and super sick.]

 

Walking around Bradley’s Bookstore today in the Southern Park Mall with my boyfriend we happened across the romance section. In which there were hilarious things like this:

But there were many books that had really off putting titles like this:

Soooo I picked up the book. It sounded like every Cosmo article ever written to get men to like you. Where to find “Mr. Right” (everywhere except a bar was listed, really)? Where to find Mr. Wrong? Bars, the internet, etc. Then it its infinite wisdom it went into stereotyping Mr. Wrongs. I mean, I don’t mean to be old fashioned or anything, but I firmly believe that Mr. Wrong for me might be Mr. Right for you. Just Maybe? I mean, they do have a line of douchey Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts for girls… which means that those girls probably think Ed Hardy/Affliction guys are the bees knees.

You date people you like. You date people like yourself. You break up with someone (barring unusual circumstances) because they/you a.) changed personalities drastically, b.) did something wrong/bad, c.) mutual or good terms issue – like a change of job/distance issue, or d.)  you have different life goals/changed life goals.

Jennamarbles explains “Dating someone like you,” best in her video about the ‘Nice Guy’ cop out excuse.

I think what disturbs me most about the book is that the title assumes that women need to find Mr. Right to “get their life moving in the right direction.” Like his motherfucking dick is this magical compass that will be used to show you where to go and what to do in life.

I’m of the school of thought that is a mixture of lots of sex positive thinking, social justice, a dash of feminism, packed with human rights. I guess my brain just continually screams that I don’t need anyone. I want sex, don’t need it, I want friends, don’t need them, I want my boyfriend around sometimes, I don’t need him around 24/7.

Along the same “wanting not needing lines,” it is in my nature to break up with someone when they violate some kind of moral code in my book. Almost every break up I have ever had was because of a moral code breaking situation. I am not good at forgiving and forgetting, having a photographic memory will do that to you. My philosophy is that “I want you in my life but if you break my trust in any way, I will ditch you immediately.”

At the same time, I have had people ask me why I stayed with one of my exes, when we had some not good times in the bedroom. Well, silly, because I did love him. It didn’t bother me so much that he wasn’t some carnal sex machine. I don’t break up with people over stupid reasons anyway. I don’t really like that my new boyfriend lives in the suburbs, and he’ll probably want to live in the suburbs (aka prefab house hell) in the future. I don’t care. Really? I’ll just go buy my own house and live in it, far away from the weird Stepford Wives-esque copy and paste mansion-ettes.

That is the kind of independent person that I think people need to start becoming. In October I was palm read by a very good palm reader, whom I just met, who didn’t know a lick about me. He told me when reading my left hand he could see all the lines denoting that I was a strong, independent person. He moved on to my right hand and told me that, “You seriously don’t take any shit from anyone. You had someone do some really, really horrible things to you a year or so ago, and you just walked away. You don’t like to be taken advantage of, or used, or unappreciated and when anyone takes you for granted you have no qualms about leaving them in the dust. You don’t need anyone, you just like having people around. But you’re happy without them.”

I say this, knowing full well, that I have members of my own family that are so grossly dependent on their partners it is almost sickening. I want to call for some universal change. Some across the board – “I don’t need my partner, I want them. The moment they start treating me how I don’t need or want to be treated – I will leave them.” (I know that is especially hard to come to terms with sometimes – my abuse blogs will explain that.)

I think maybe we, as a community, should stop leaning on our partners like they are our survival, our only friends, etc, and start being our own survival, our own only friends, our own soulmates. It sounds trite a little, I know. But a long time ago I promised myself that I wasn’t going to keep making excuses for someone, forgiving someone, or loving someone who treated me less than themselves. You should make that promise to yourself. Furthermore, why should you have to go out and find your man to get your life rolling? Your life will be rolling faster if you are alone. Seriously, in rare cases maybe you’ll have a travel partner, but usually it is just easier to adventure and travel without a partner.

Your life is rolling already. It is your decision if you want your life to include Mr. Whatever before you start to make waves or if you want to start making those waves right now, by yourself, and you know, finding Mr. Cutemanface somewhere along this life-sea of ours. Maybe you’ll last? Maybe you won’t? But learn to just let go if he just isn’t for you. You can’t change anyone, they can only change themselves.

In the meantime, ladies, lets focus on being more sex positive in thinking. Put yourself out there and be save about it. But also, kick total ass. Okay?

Be like Anna Silk in Lost Girl, or Kenzi… seriously.

Single and Caffeinated Episode 31: Crazy Blind Date?

OKCupid launched a new app for iphone and andrioid called Crazy Blind Date recently. Upon its launch photos were scrambled across the whole site for advertisement purposes. The app is kind of like that.

Here is how the app works.

Step one: Download the app and either log in to your Okcupid account and take a picture from there or snap one with your cellular device. Either way the picture will be tiled-scrambled.

Step two: Chose the nights you are available for dates and where you’d like to meet up. A coffee shop/diner/bar…etc

Step three: Enable notifications and wait for CBD to match you up with someone in proximity to you.

Step four: When matched before the date an IM screen will be available to allow you to communicate with each other to find each other on the date.

Step five: OkC has encouraged people to tweet their experiences at #CrazyBlindDate

Since its official launch on Jan. 15 it doesn’t look like twitter is bumping with hashtags for it. Most look like people asking other friends if they have it.

I’m not sure how well it works. When it comes to a small city like mine, I’m probably guaranteed to get matched up with people I already know/know of. Doesn’t sound too much blind to me. Also because I am friends with most people, if I am not already friends with someone, it is for good reason.

Though, it might work in a bigger city where you would be meeting new and completely random people.

I think that OkC should rethink its name choice. What about my blind date is crazy? I hope not in personality. Or am I crazy for letting a phone app hook me up with someone I can’t even see? Not too long ago it was common for women and men to go on blind dates through their friends and family.

Now with facebook and other social media a true blind date is pretty impossible.

“Oh, you want to hook me up with your friend Paul? Ok, yeah we can go on a date Friday.”
[type "paul" in the friend search bar of the friends who hooked you up.]

The point is, if you’re really that desperate to go on a blind date. Why not just ask your friends if they could set you up with someone they know as a blind date. Also, don’t look them up on facebook, that’s cheating.

I think an app for dating really just encourages people to use their phone while out in public. Though I am guilty of it sometimes too, I really think it is the most irritating thing you can do when hanging out with someone else. Stare at your phone mindlessly. Gross.

Random Cute Thing Ryan Did:

This morning, Andrew McMahon‘s (of Something Corporate/Jack’s Mannequin) tour tickets went on sale. I showed the link to the video to Ryan, excited he was coming to Cleveland, Ryan agreed that it would be fun to go to. I didn’t expect to go or buy tickets.

He sent me an email of a screen shot of the Grog Shop facebook with a status that said, “The Andrew McMahon tickets are sold out, that was fast.” Underneath it a confirmation email of Andrew McMahon tickets addressed to Ryan.

I am so excited/happy/amazed. The show sold out in 5 minutes. Ryan woke up extra early to purchase them before they were sold out. So great.

Single and Caffeinated: No patience for complainers…[How I worked my ass off to get what I have]

I have no patience for people who complain about things like not having a job.

I also have no patience for people who think that no one will hire them because they are over educated, under educated, etc. etc. I have had about 9 full time or part-time school jobs since I graduated high school in ’05. Most I didn’t keep because I a.) moved, b.) hours were cut because of economy, c.)graduated or d.) just found something better.  I have two jobs now. I work at a Chipotle and I do taxes at a tax office for tax season. I also have an unpaid internship at a museum.

My job before Chipotle was a call center that suddenly, without warning, laid off the entire part time team. It sucked. It was the end of October. I did massive amounts of leg work and insane phone/fb-treeing to find another job. Finally I got one at Chipotle. I told them about my goals in life. Wanting my Masters, my Ph.D. I told them about my passion for writing, how I’d been published, the literature magazines I got hired on. I also told them, because they asked, a bit of my England story. I was hired on the spot. The manager told me that to be hired at Chipotle you had to have all the thirteen qualities/characteristics listed on a form. If you only had 12 you wouldn’t get the job. He checked them all off in front of me. Honest, outgoing, personable, intelligent…etc.

They had me get interviewed with all the managers. Probably to check for inconsistencies. They do it with all potential hires to make sure everyone likes everyone and wants to work with everyone. I LOVE THAT. I love all of the people I work with and they seem to really love me. The managers appreciate that I have goals. Having goals makes you a much better employee in any job setting. It makes you stand out. It tells an employer that you’re not going to slack because you have a, b, and c that you want to do and nothing is going to hold you back. I was told by one of the managers when I got hired, that out of 40 people interviewed only myself and two others were hired. I was so proud of myself.

Because I do not like days of boredom, I picked up a second job for the tax season at a tax preparing place. I was immediately hired again on the spot. I had a professional, well maintained resume, an active Linkedin profile, and an excellent reference list. It is important to me to befriend most people I work with. I make friends very easily and can easily tolerate those who for many would be intolerable so my list of potential references is seemingly endless.

It doesn’t make everything easy, no. But it makes it easier. See, I have a problem. Social anxiety. I seriously almost can never function socially. But I have never not gotten a job I haven’t interviewed for (except for Sheetz, a gas station, because they wanted someone who worked in a gas station before). Having a lot of jobs makes me insanely easy to hire. I have an endless list of skills that jobs are looking for. I make sure I talk about them ad nauseum whenever a potential employer asks.

I learned many things in my time of being a job hunter. The only reason you don’t have a job, if you are looking for one, is because you’re not trying hard enough.

Even in the shittiest of economies I held down a job. When people were getting laid off, when companies were going bankrupt, etc. I found something. I worked my ass off. I learned quickly how to highlight my skills and flip my failures into a learning experience. I never make the same mistake twice. I always put the best out there.

Mostly, though, I have excellent karma. I get back what I give out in to the world. Seriously, I honestly believe that is a big part of it. I never lie, cheat, steal, and I always give every person my full respect unless they do something to me personally to lose it. This gets me treated with respect and treated kindly. I believe fully that my luck with jobs/working in spite of the drawback of social anxiety comes from my great karma. That is neither here nor there and many of you may not have such a spiritual look at the world. That is fine. But remember to always give everything your all.

Here are some pointers for getting a job:  These came from managers that I know personally, a job coach I am friends with, and my own experience/learning.

• Join FB sites. Like “Now Hiring in [your region]” If they exist. If not…create one!
• Scan, I am not kidding, literally scan job classifieds/monster.com and other career sites every freaking day.
• Apply for every job you can, even if you don’t *think* you qualify.
• Follow up with those jobs within a week. Check to see if they received your resume/application/cover letter.
• Go well groomed, hair tied back, only light make up, and little to no colors in dress clothes to your interview. NO JEANS – not even if it is a fast food joint. NO JEANS!
• Positive attitude.
• Bring a copy of your resume, cover letter, and a reference list to your interview in a folder.
• BRING A PEN. A manager I know will not hire you if you do not have a pen. He will ask, “Hey, do you have a pen on you by chance?” If you say, “No.” Automatic fail.
• Be honest. 100%. I am honest with everyone. Always. It doesn’t matter who you are. I am going to not BS you or lie to you for any reason. If you are honest and confess to your mistakes you’re already making a good impression.
• Take your failures and make them matter. Example: “You lost this job for [reason]? Tell me  a little about that?” “Oh, well, that happened and it was [my fault/a miscommunication/etc] I learned from that mistake and in my subsequent jobs I worked to be more [communicative/honest/outgoing/understanding/better at something/etc].

Single & Caffeinated Episode 30: Coffee guy and how he douche’d out on me…

[Here is an old post that was never posted - Dated for early October. Edited today to make it more recent.]

Coffee-Pickup-Line Guy from September had asked me out to dinner and hang out on about the 10th of September. If I am understanding my previous posts correctly.

I was nervous and super excited to meet him. We had some great message conversations and subsequently also some good texting conversations. I was still really into GA guy and so without realizing it, he became my barrier between me and my feelings for GA guy. Which was tough, lets be honest, I was really in love/infatuated with GA guy.

We had set a date for that weekend. The only glitch was that I had to request a day off of work and go in that Tuesday to make up the hours. So I did. I overly cleaned my house too. I was so stressed out about how it would go. I was still randomly crying over GA guy and still was waiting for him to contact me to tell me he was stupid. I was still being silly about him. So I was dreading this date. But, conversely I was also very much looking forward to it. I wanted it to happen so that I could 1.) feel better about myself a little and 2.) socialize with someone who wasn’t my coworker.

He canceled our date that Friday because of something that came up at work. We rescheduled for the next Saturday. I agreed.

I, again, called off and made up hours. I was less worried about it the next week and more and more found myself looking forward to it. He was still texting me and then mid week we didn’t text as much. I was super busy making up hours/studying for midterms/getting some papers written so I didn’t think much of it.

Saturday I texted him around noon,

Me: Hey, so what time would you like to hang out?
Him: Hmmmmm I don’t know. What time is good for you?
Me: I think 5 or 6 would be good. It’ll give me time to get some last minute things done today.
Him: [20 minutes later] Actually, I don’t think hanging out today would be a good idea. I met someone this week and it isn’t serious but I feel like going out to see you might be sketchy.
Me: Well, okay, I was looking forward to meeting you. If you decided in the future that you wanted to ever hang out then lets do it on a day that I don’t have to work so I don’t have to call off both times for you to just cancel on me. But I’d really rather you not ever text me again.

So then I was doubly upset. I didn’t even know Coffee Pick up Line that well but I was looking forward to hanging out with someone in my own house because I felt like the big issue for why I couldn’t open up with GA guy a lot was because I was in a “foreign land.”

So, I cried my tears. Got over it. Then the next month I started talking to my current boyfriend.

Not Ok: My nose denotes…what?